#I also worry that my memories are new skewed by other people's perspectives

[angelpuns]

Me patiently waiting for a way to make comics about the shitty things that happened in 2020-2023 but unsure of how to go about it in a way that will make me feel better smh

[nejibaby]

Memories

Pairing: Neji x Fem!Uchiha Reader

Summary: There are a lot of terrible things that have happened to you as an Uchiha that you wanted to forget. But with Neji’s help, you’re able to move on and move along. Things have started getting better for you, however, once the Fourth Shinobi War was declared, time seemed to start running out.

Word Count: 2.1k

Memories - Part 1 | Deja Vu - Part 2

A/N: I didn’t exactly follow the plot and somehow it turned so angsty 🙈 Please let me know your thoughts~

There are memories you hold so dear that you refuse to have them tainted no matter what. Most of those memories are of the times you spent playing or training with your brother Shishui, his best friend Itachi, and Itachi’s brother Sasuke. Those times were the golden days for you; the best of the best, if you may.

Conversely, there are also memories that you just wish would disappear. They’re the memories of incidents you wish didn’t happen at all. They’re the type of memories that you push at the back of your mind, because you believe that if you think about it or even spare a single second for it, then it’ll be more real. Because you’re in denial. You’re in denial not only about the death of Shisui, but also of the Uchiha clan.

But then there’s a single memory you have that always stands out. It’s a memory that you both want to forget and remember.

The tragedy of the Uchiha clan had changed the only survivors — you and Sasuke. You had already started changing a little because you had to deal with your brother’s death, but seeing the horrible scene in the clan’s district had been the icing on top.

Your drastic change had been evident on the day you came back to the Academy after you were discharged at the hospital. What once was a girl full of life had become an empty shell.

The moment you sat down entered the room, people had started talking. Mostly it’s just about asking someone else if you were an Uchiha or if they know about the clan’s misfortune. They were meaningless chatters so you easily drowned them out.

But there was a comment that had reached your ears. “Why is it such a big deal? People die anyway, it just so happened her clan died on the same day.”

The comment kept ringing inside your head but then someone beside you spoke up, “Don’t you have anything else better to do than talk about someone else’s life?”

He was met with silence so he continued saying, “People die everyday, it’s a fact. Some die because of illnesses, some because of old age, some because of poverty, accidents, or murder. As shinobi, we can die in the line of duty. But that doesn’t make death any less painful to the one left behind.

“If your family is alive, then good, but maybe use that brain of yours because logic says not everyone gets to be as lucky as you.”

Naturally, you want to forget about the unsolicited comment of your classmate, but you want to remember that among the students inside the room, one boy had stood up for you. Quite frankly, you needed his saving that day. Otherwise, you would’ve beaten yourself up for mourning too long.

And when you realized who that boy was, his words weighed even more. Because Hyuga Neji was a boy notoriously known for thinking that everyone’s fate is predetermined from birth and that luck plays absolutely no part in it.

“Not everyone gets to be as lucky as you.”

And for a hot minute he had abandoned his belief as he stood up for you.

It sounds hypocritical if you think about it.

But maybe just as he had saved you, you had opened his eyes just a little bit and helped him see that his beliefs were skewed too. In a way, you had helped each other, at least you hoped.

It’s because of that day, that memory, that you find yourself gravitating towards Neji.

It isn’t attraction at all at first, more like genuine curiosity about him and his life. But you didn’t get to know him further until the Chunin exams where he had disclosed the way of their clan. It’s at that time where you understood why he acts the way he acts.

You can’t help but wonder about how two clans with almost similar circumstances— both with kekkei genkai, both living in Konoha, both considered to be one of the strongest clans in the shinobi world— could have completely different ways of living. One clan is almost completely annihilated, while the other has slaves of their own blood. And if you’re being completely honest, you aren’t exactly sure which is better.

You have gotten the urge to talk to him after hearing his story, although you really didn’t know what to say. But then the chance never came up because of the chaos orchestrated by Orochimaru.

After the Chunin exams and the attack of Orochimaru, you hadn’t heard of Neji for a while since you’ve been tasked to help with the repairs of the village. And when you did hear about him, it was terrible, terrible news.

Sasuke left the village to seek power from the very person who just wrecked havoc in Konoha. His leaving alone left you in despair. What Itachi was to Shisui is exactly what Sasuke means to you, and him doing such a thing without even letting you know makes you feel like a failure both as a friend and as a family.

The news didn’t end there, however. Apparently the squad that Shikamaru had led to retrieve Sasuke had been severely injured and were on the brink of death — one of them being Neji.

You remember feeling guilt and regret burning your skin. You remember the shame of not being able to save Sasuke from the darkness and not being able to help the retrieval squad in any way. You blame yourself for the horrible things that happened.

Since then, you have made it a point to visit the squad in the hospital every day, making sure you apologize and thank them for their service. But admittedly, it’s Neji that you always stay with longer.

It’s not that you aren’t comfortable with the others, they’re really nice and easy to get along with. But they always have other visitors with them, mostly their team members and relatives. Neji, on the other hand, didn’t get as many visits since his other teammate, Rock Lee, was also injured because of his fight with Gaara. So Tenten and Guy sensei would switch visits between the two every other day.

Besides that, his clan members rarely ever visited. And you didn’t want him to be alone in such trying moments, especially when you didn’t get to do anything to prevent this from happening.

As closed off as Neji is, because of your constant visits, you have found a way to worm yourself into the walls he put up. And by the time he’s discharged from the hospital, you somehow became close friends.

From that moment on, you find yourself coming to Neji on times that you’re in despair and in doubt. You trust him enough to tell him your stories, worries, and fears because he doesn’t judge you. And he does the same with you.

Neji listens when you want him to listen, and talks when you need him to talk. He’s quite level headed and very much rational, and because of that he gives the best advice.

With him, you find yourself healing and growing. With you, he finds himself learning to forgive.

Neji easily makes you see things in a different way; a different light; a different perspective, and helps you become a better shinobi and a better person in general.

For you, Neji has such a comforting aura. While he’s sometimes cold and stoic around others, with you, he softens up. With you, he’s gentle; careful even. And it’s because of this that you find yourself admiring him more and more.

But before anything could happen — before you could even confess — the Fourth Shinobi War was declared.

Just like that, time seemed to start running out. And you have lost all hopes of being together with Neji as a lover rather than a friend.

The war is awful. Quite frankly, it overwhelmed you too much, too easily. The bodies lying on the floor with dried out blood reminded you of the massacre of the Uchiha clan. But the only person who’s able to calm you down and help you move along is Neji.

The both of you fight side by side, always nearby Hinata in case she would need help. When the night comes and the enemies cease their attack, it’s your turn to talk Neji into relaxing a bit because he’s started straining his eyes from too much use. And because it’s you who asked and it’s you who’s there with him, he knows he and the rest of the Allied Forces are safe, so he rests.

But somehow chaos ensues and in the middle of it, you both get separated. You’re worried deeply, but you trust his skills and his strength, and you know you’ll be reuniting with him again.

And reunited with him you did. But when you have found him once again, he’s blocking out the Ten Tails’ attack with... his body.

With desperation, you transported to his side as quickly as you can. Summoning your last bits of chakra, you use Susanoo to protect him, Hinata, and Naruto. The last thing you remember is the look of relief on Neji’s face, but before it could morph into worry, you have already blacked out.

By the time you have woken up, you’re in Konoha’s hospital. The first thing you see is Neji resting his head on the side of your bed, peacefully sleeping, looking as angelic as ever.

Your body aches with every breath you take, even more so with little movement. But you didn’t let that deter you from weaving your fingers along the Hyuga’s hair. He stirs almost immediately and then he opens his pretty eyes. He sits up upon seeing you.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” You softly ask.

He doesn’t respond to your question. “You’re awake,” he sighs in relief. “You’re finally awake. Let me go call Lady Tsunade and Sakura.” He stands up.

But before he can even take a step, you grab his wrist. “Stay,” you mumble.

Neji looks at you, reading your face. But then he nods and sits.

“Is it over?” You ask.

“Yes, the war’s over.”

“What happened after?”

“It’s a long story… but tell me, how are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling fine. My body aches, but it’s not a big deal.”

“What do you mean it’s not a big deal?!” Neji looks upset that it takes you by surprise. “Do you remember what happened? Didn’t you know you almost died?! You almost used up all your chakra to use Susanoo! That’s so stupid and reckless!”

His aggressive tone effectively gets you angry. “I did it for you!” You snap. “Of course I remember what happened! Even if I want to forget, the memory is branded in my mind! You fucking wanted to use your body to shield Naruto from that attack, didn’t you? How is that not stupid and reckless? Huh?”

Neji’s chakra flares up as he clenches his jaw. Yet, he doesn’t speak.

You breathe out, trying to calm down. You rarely ever fought with Neji and he’s never really raised his voice to you. With your body still tired and aching from the war, you didn’t want this conversation to escalate further so you try to diffuse the situation before it blows even more out of proportion.

In a low voice, you speak, “I was so scared, Neji. I didn’t want to lose you. I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved.”

A tear falls down from your eye and Neji’s heart breaks at your forlorn state. “I don’t want to lose you too. I can’t…” you squeak. “I love you so much, I can’t lose you.”

Neji’s breath hitches at your declaration. He could hear his heart drumming against his chest.

You love him?

He doesn’t know if he heard you right or if his mind is just playing tricks on him. It happened before. He’s loved you for so long… and there have been plenty of days he dreamt of hearing you say you love him too. And right now he isn’t sure if this is the reality or just another one of his dreams.

As if you’ve read his mind — like you always seem to be able to do — you repeat your words. “I love you, Neji.”

It’s the confirmation that he needs. And hearing your words knocked the wind out of him. “I… I…” he starts saying.

But you’ve taken his stuttering and his pale, panic-stricken face as a sign of an incoming rejection, so you look down instantly and say, “It’s fine if you don’t like me the same way. I just hope we can still be friends after—”

“No, I… I love you too,” he breathlessly confesses before you even finish your rambling.

Your head whips up after the words left his lips. You stare at him, unbelieving.

And just as you did a while ago, he repeats his words with conviction, “I love you too.”

A smile makes its way to your face, and when he smiles back, you immediately know this is a memory you won’t ever forget.

[denkamis]

into the fire. (dabi x reader)

masterlist.

warnings: this oneshot contains spoilers for the manga & swearing. it also describes burns & wounds in detail.

summary: you tend to dabi’s wounds after a small altercation with some pro-heroes. (takes place sometime after ch 290).

notes: fluffy dabi content written for a friend per her request <3 if u couldn’t tell, i have no fucking clue how to write him so pls bear with me. i’ve written like headcanons for him a bit so— either way, hope u like my first oneshot posted here :,))

word count: 1.4k

Information spread like wildfire. As soon as Dabi unveiled himself as the son of Endeavour, there was no turning back for him. The whole world knew, and that further skewed their once unshaken perspective of pro-heroes. Everything was crumbling before your very eyes. The society of heroes that was previously trusted was now brought to its knees by a simple revelation. They were not who they seemed to be.

You had known his secret for a little over six months now. When he had told you, he vowed he would make Endeavour suffer for the pain he had brought him all those years ago. No matter what it took. You had been no stranger to Dabi’s rants about his father at this point, and now that the date was finally here, he had been true to his word. It was time for karma to hit that poor son of a bitch back. And so it did.

Dabi had told you to wait at your usual rendezvous point: an abandoned apartment just on the outskirts of the city where the two of you would be hiding out until further notice. You were never a villain. You had never been interested in killing people, or bringing the hero civilization down to shambles. All you knew is that you loved the man that came home to you every few months. You knew it was wrong, you knew that there were probably other men you were better off with. Even so, you couldn’t shake the feeling that he cared about you more than he let on. There was something about him you couldn’t quite place. You supposed that’s what made life with him so exciting. The thrill of it all was exhilarating, maybe even addicting.

You were in the middle of plating dinner. You had made spicy udon, two bowls, with what little groceries you had in the rundown apartment. It wasn’t glamorous in the slightest. It was a temporary home that you two would stay at. You knew that you two would have to move in the morning to avoid detection anyways.

You sat down at the table, fingers tapping against the thin, cheap wood restlessly. The worry you felt was undeniable. Had the authorities tracked him? Would he even come back? Was he alive?

No. This was Dabi. He wouldn’t die so easily.

Putting your hands together, you said your grace before your shaky hands moved to pick up your chopsticks. Before you could touch them, there was a light thud that came from the singular bedroom that the apartment hosted. Cautiously, you stood from your seat. Your throat felt dry as your body seemed to move on its own, your legs guiding you to the door slowly as to not let the potential burglar know you were on to them. You braced yourself, your hand on the rusted knob of the door before you swung it open.

A gasp escaped you at the unsightly man before you. The smell of ash and burnt flesh made you keen, and the now white hair colour he dawned stood out against the darkness of his charred skin. Tears welled in your eyes. He faced away from you, shirt and coat discarded. Staples hung off the skin of his back, receding down further. He must have been in so much pain from the overuse of his quirk. He never seemed to listen to you when it came to protecting his body.

Dabi turned his head at the sound of the door, his eyes bored and emotionless. Your shock and horror must have been evident. You’ve seen him come home to you with scratches and bruises before, but nothing to this scale. He looked like he was falling apart at the seams.

“Dabi,” you began, your tone saddened and dripping with concern for the taller man. 

“Don’t pity me. Quit looking at me like a kicked puppy, Y/N. Doesn’t look good on that pretty face of yours.”

You swallowed, reaching into your travel bag on the bed and pulling out several bottles of ointment. They were specifically for burn care, mixed with aloe vera and pain reliever. It was your own personal concoction, one suited for Dabi’s needs that you could procure no matter where the two of you were if need be.

He clicked his tongue in annoyance, rolling his eyes. It seemed that every time you pulled out the bottle, he retaliated and complained. You shook your head. “No, you need it this time. Seriously, now show me where,” you demanded of him bluntly. You weren’t taking no for an answer. With a scoff, Dabi broke his gaze from you. “Don’t fight me on this,” you urged him, sliding onto the creaky mattress and already beginning to apply the lotion onto your hands. 

“Doll… You don’t have to do this shit for me,” Dabi said lowly, head turned so that he could watch you. You were gentle, always so painfully gentle, with him. Part of Dabi, actually all of himself, believed he didn’t deserve you. Him, and all of his broken parts, his disgusting past, his current, unforgivable actions. Yet here you were, patching him up without a second thought. His gaze, though unreadable to the onlooker, held a feeling deeper than what he let on.

Your hands massaged his skin and he let out a groan. His limbs ached and his bones felt like shattering, but he always made sure to come back home to you.

“You’re not leaving are you, doll?” he asked you suddenly.

“Hm?”

Your eyes met his turquoise ones. His face was burned nearly as badly as the rest of him, his staples appeared to be drooping dangerously. He stared at you, examining your features and committing them to memory. Dabi knew that nothing was ever permanent in this world, certainly not you. He dragged you into this. He had let you follow him along when there was no clear way out of this shithole.

Dabi bowed his head, white tufts of hair falling over his eyes. A cocky smile played on his lips, “You’re not like them, huh? Not gonna leave me for some dickhead that wipes their asshole with money?”

You snickered at the thought as your palms continued to rub away into his back, tracing the burns and wounds that refused to heal. Fingertips grazing the toned muscles, you hummed in thought. There were a lot of reasons you stayed, some reasons less logical than others, but you digress. As you ran your hands up his back, retracing your steps and mapping out his scarred skin, you rested your hands upon his shoulders, feeling how unnaturally tense they were. The feeling of soft lips meeting rough skin made Dabi sigh once more. He relaxed ever so slightly, skin surging from a new warmth you had brought him. You gave him comfort unlike anything else he had ever felt. You were home to him. He never cared for anyone, until you came waltzing into his life.

He was cautious, of course. You were a capable woman who could kill him at any moment (not that you wanted to, but Dabi had precautions). You were unlike anyone he had ever met. You were absolutely captivating, unbelievably kind, and yes, incredibly gullible, but you trusted him to come back to you. He felt like he owed you that much for you giving so much of yourself to him. For giving up so much of your small, insignificant life that you couldn’t get back, to him.

A strong hand fell onto your waist, lifting you up from your position beside him to one where your knees were situated at either side of his hips. You now straddled his torso, his hands gripping at your sides possessively. He looked up at you, grinning wolfishly. Heat rushed to your cheeks, your body now feeling like it was on fire from where he touched you.

“Answer me, baby. Tell me how much you love me,” he teased you, face so close to you that your noses brushed against each other. Heart beating rapidly in your chest, your hands held his face as if he were made of some type of china.

A smile crept across your face timidly, thumb rubbing over past scars being covered with new ones. You leaned down, lips ghosting his as you spoke.

“I could only have eyes for you, Dabi. No matter how many weeks you leave, I’ll be here when you get back. Always.”

His chapped, broken lips met your plump ones, passion and some sort of feeling resembling love radiating from the affectionate act you shared.

“I love you.”

Dabi laughed at your words, smiling up at the ceiling before his gaze lazily met yours. You managed to breathe such life into him without meaning to. Fuck. He was in deeper than he realized.

“Good. You fucking should.”

all works © denkamis 2021.

tags:

@meilbox

want to be on the taglist? see this post!

[whumpersdump]

Project Rebirth - CH4: Final Touches

Content! From Whumper’s POV. (They’ll get a title soon btw, I just haven’t decided on a name yet).

[ Previous ] -- [ Masterlist ]

TW: (None of these are graphic) Restraints / blink-and-you-miss it use of  “it” as a pronoun / dehuminization / non-con surgery (non-graphic, whumpee isn’t awake) / lab whump / pet whump / sedation / sensory deprivation (not from Whumpee’s POV) / brain-fiddling? (he talks of an implant that restricts basically everything from speaking to moving. It’s mentioned, not shown)

Everything is set for the first practical stage of Project Rebirth to begin. All that is need is some final surgical attention, and a last talk to Whumper’s new investors. Also no editing we die like Toby’s previous owner...

Whumper sat next to Subject One, like he had every moment of spare time in the past five days. The last two, they barely twitched a muscle. Of course this was in part because of the starvation, but it was nice to have achieved nonetheless. Even if would wear of. Their body may be still, but the occasional twitch, hitch of a breath, told him their mind was racing.

He already picked out a name for them. Their masterpiece, even if it would take nine months before he would see their frantic eyes again. Everything was prepared. Their nursery—which was a rather misleading name, but it fit the process, and the marketing—was almost done, the housing facility would be complete in three months.

Subject One was the only one who really needed to be in the container for the sake of the time that it would give Whumper, but the aspect fit the aesthetic his investors expected. It would be what kept the program running for decades to come.

Subject One shuddered. They’d gotten the message. He’d chosen one of his newly acquired sponsors to deliver it through the earpieces. Not because it needed to be. He could just as easily move, then sedate the subject. Make the chaos in their mind spike just before they’d awake in ominous calm. Comforting calm, though it would take a while for the subject to feel about in that way. They had nine months, it would be enough.

The sponsors needed to feel special anyway. Some of them could make perfect pets, the way they seemed to crave special attention. He could try it someday. With this Project, even they could be reborn.

He nodded at Toby. “Bring them to the surgeon. It’s time for stage 3.”

Toby exited the corner he’d been standing in for the past day. It was a test, to see how obedient he really was. So far, Whumper had been pleased. Sure, seeing pets shiver at the thought of accidentally moving a muscle without permission could be rewarding, but it didn’t bring the type of productivity he needed. Toby’s compliant personality, in combination with Whumper’s training, did.

Toby reached for the subject’s shoulder like he always did.

“Not anymore, Toby,” Whumper commanded. “No more touching of any kind. You can move them, tube and all.”

Toby obeyed. With precision, he took the hand truck out of place and rolled it over to the doors that opened to the medical wing. Subject One would feel this, but it wasn’t enough to skew the results. If anything, it could amplify the result he was looking for.

He followed behind Toby, but entered the door to the watching room instead of the OR like Toby did. That’s where his funding was waiting. He hated having to care about it, but money was simply necessary for him to scale up the Project. “Thank you for coming back,” he told the seven investors waiting for him. “As I’ve said before, most of the program is completely tailored to your pet and the pet you wish they become. That means, no program looks or feels the same. This part though, they all have in common.”

He guided their gazes down to the OR—where the surgeon had sedated the subject—and begun the procedure. Toby watched from his corner, as Whumper had told him to. This would be the only time he was allowed this close to a subject before Rebirth, so Whumper made sure he knew as much as possible. The pet didn’t lie. He used to, but his previous owner trained it out of him.

If he were to fulfill any purpose at all in the future, he would have to learn to. Knowing about the stages before meeting the Reborn subjects was a good way to teach them. After all, he’d be the one to truly push the subject’s minds over the edge.

The investors patiently waited for Whumper to explain what was happening. “The implant all subjects receive is what makes this project so realistic. Like a newborn child, they have to learn everything. Eating, speaking, resisting, if you want them to. All in an effort to recreate them into the pet they were always meant to be. Now of course, some of them have skills we do want them to keep. Take Toby down there, he’s a master on the piano. For each pet, the implant’s functions can be customized.”

One of the investors raised her hand. “What are your plans for this one then?” she asked. “Does it have anything worth keeping?”

Whumper smiled. “In a less dire situation, we might have chosen to keep certain parts of them, but as you’ve noticed this is not the average pet we’re talking about. They will be reborn a blank slate. The only thing any pets are allowed to keep is their understanding of language—so they can obey commands, and their ability form minimal amounts of coherent thought and memory. We’ve found that this process works best if to some extent, the pets are aware of the changes. A risk, I know, especially with this one, but it will prove efficient.”

He straightened his tie. “This one in particular has quite the mouth, and they tend to use a bit too much of what they hear against their trainers. For that reason, we’ve limited their access to their vocabulary a bit more than usual. They’ll be able to understand simple sentences, but we won’t have to worry about their natural perceptiveness.”

“What’s he doing to their eyes?” a second investor asked.

Whumper’s heart fluttered. He’d hoped they’d ask. “Those, are highly sophisticated remote-controlled lenses.” They weren’t necessary, they function was mostly aesthetical from the subject’s perspective. They helped make it all a bit more realistic on both sides, though.

“They don’t have to be removed, ever. Which is why we’re putting them in so early. They control the subject’s ability to see color, and light. Like them implant, we can control them from behind the scenes. They aren’t vital, but they smooth out the transition from the Rebirth into the following stages of the program.”

He glanced down into the OR, where the surgeon was finishing up, and the other staff had begun to prepare the subject for stage 4’s container. “I’m afraid that I can’t show you anymore at this point, so my staff can take on this challenge with as little distraction as possible. However I’m happy to answer as many of your questions as I can.”

Several hands shot up. Whumper smiled.

“What are they doing?” Was the first question.

Whumper gazed down. Four people were removing the restraints and the jacket, and outfitted the subject in the thin white suit that would help keep them healthy and alive throughout the following stage.

They connected the dozens of tubes and wires that would take care of everything they couldn’t handle from outside the container, as he called it. “I’m afraid this is another one of those trade secrets, but what I can tell you is that in spite of how it looks, this will make the pre-Birth stage as realistic as it can be.”

“What about these nurseries that your people kept going on about. I’m sure they’re important, but it all sounds a bit too… human for my taste. I prefer my pets are used to the necessary restraints and housing conditions, so to speak.”

Whumper nodded. He wasn’t surprised to hear this investor thought his standard approach too kind. She’d demanded her pets were kept muzzled and bound at the facility’s daycare, even though they were among the most compliant creatures he’d ever seen.

“As I said,” he answered. “Everything can be customized. This subject I believe, will gain more from approach that teaches them that as a placeable pet, they will be cared for as long they don’t resist. Should you trust us with your pets though, if we decide after the evaluation that another approach may achieve the desired results more efficiently, we’re prepared. We have nurseries of all kinds, and our staff is prepared to fulfill any role they need to play.”

That seemed to please them. Whumper turned to the last question.

“How long does this program take?”

“We have multiple options. The standard program Subject One will go through can take up to sixteen years starting at the Rebirth, with a minimum time of three years. Now of course, that is a long time for a pet to be away. We have two accelerated programs that last either a few months, or even just a few weeks. You’re free to choose, but after the evaluation we will provide you with a suggestion. Not all pets need the full experience. Especially if they’re not old enough to be placed, a longer program can harm the natural development.”

A frown formed on a few faces.

“I can see you’re worried about the results I’ve promised you. You won’t have to wait long. The program may be an intense procedure, but the results will start to show after just a few weeks. The rest of the Project is about making them last, so these—” He dangled the subject’s bright red collar in front of them— “will soon be no more than a reminder of what I’ve solved.”

Whumper clasped his hands. The subject was moved out of the OR, into the container hall. “I must go now. My assistant will be up shortly to escort you out. I should mention Toby’s not allowed to be too talkative around strangers, but he’s still learning. If he breaks any rules, please contact me. He doesn’t respond well to strangers punishing him, he’s a bit too loyal for that.”

Taglist (asks are open if you wanna be added or removed): @suspicious-whumping-egg

[popculturebuffet]

Scottrospective: Scott Pilgrim Vs the Universe or So Sad So Very Very Sad

Hello all you happy Scottaholics! And welcome back to Scottrospective, my 8 part look at Scott Pilgrim: all 6 volumes of the comic as well as the game and movie just in time for their respective 10th Anniversaries. If your just joining us or needa  quick refresher, here are links to the other four parts, in order: Precious Little Life, Vs The World (Comic), Infinite Sadness, and last month’s look at my favorite volume Gets It Together. And if that’s not enough to fill your belly with Scotty Goodness, hop over to my patreon, patreon.com/popculturebuffet.  There you’ll find reviews of all the content I didn’t have time for in the retrospective proper: Free Scott Pilgrim, The Wonderful World of Kim Pine, Monica Beetle, Style, and the bonus comic strips. It’s only a dollar to get access to the bonus reviews, and every bit you can give not only helps me make these reviews int he first place, but gets me closer to my stretch goals, the 25 and 30 dollar ones including looks at O’Malley’s Other Works: Lost At Sea and Seconds for the former and Snotgirl for the latter. 

But more than plugging my past and paid works, there’s something else far more important I need to get to before I get into this one: Thank You. No Seriously thank all of you who have been reading these, liking them. My Precious Little Life Review is easily one of the most liked things i’ve ever had on this blog, getting more viewers every day, and last month’s look at Gets it Together is STILL racking up likes. Given most of my non-duck reviews, paid for and on my own time, tend to be ignored half the time, this just warms my heart. It shows me two great things: that even after a decade Scott Pilgrim still has a huge following and given how young this platform tends to skew that it’s gaining more fans every day, and that people care about what I have to say about htis wonderful comic. It really touches me to both know my voice matters and that something I truly loved as a teen and still do now is STILL picking up more and more fans. What i’m saying is you guys are the best and I wouldn’t be doing these reviews without your support of my very hard work. These are some of the hardest reviews i’ve done at times, but seeing you all enjoy them makes it all worth it. 

As for the Volume itself there’s something I just gotta get off my chest right away: I HATED this volume when it came out. To understand why you have to consider my mental state: I was a teenager at the time, in my junior year of high school. Scott Pilgrim was my goddamn world: while I was picking up comics monthly at the time this was honestly the first north american comic I loved and obessed over and Scott and friends were like family to me. To an awkward teen who couldn’t talk to girls, struggled to keep the video game club a friend founded together in a way that in hindsight was wholly unecessary, and getting messed with due to my anger issues by friend, foe and frenemy alike, Scott was my port in the storm. A sunny version of Tornoto where I could retreat to to feel at peace.

So yeah this shattered the fuck out of that peace and was essentially one long slow motion kick to the balls to a younger me: Hollie gets derailed and horribly betrays Kim, runing my faviorite characters life and leading to her LEAVING, Scott and Ramona’s relationship crumbles, the band breaks up , and the volume ends with Gideon still gunning for our hero because life hadn’t punched him in the face enough for one month. I was livid, not stopping the series, obviously, but upset that everything i’d grown to care about was basically gone in a flash and couldn’t understand WHY O’Malley would fucking do this to me. This volume was also what kept me from re-reading the books for as long as I did as while the rest had fond memories all the ones I had of this one were pure misery.

But by the time i re-read it in december of last year I had two important things in my hands that helped me truly enjoy this one: The first was Volume 6 itself: knowing things would work out, that most of the bad stuff would be undone and in a truly awesome and satisfying way helped.

The other thing was the perspective that came with growing older: For one as an adult while I still like Scott as a character and find him intresting I no longer look up to him, nor put stock in his hapiness for his own. Sure I still care about characters and relate to some, but Bojack Horseman taught me the hard way you CAN’T put all your hopes in a character’s fate or them getting better for you to get better. 

The other is that while this volume again is pretty bleak after a while.. it’s also NECESSARY. Part of the series charm is i’ts realisim and a sad part of real life is people can drift apart from you, and things can change seemingly all at once. And things moving the way they do is necessary for the ending: every step and move here puts things where they need to be for the final chapter.  The pain our heroes go through is necessary so they can all grow.. except Stephen and Wallace. Stephen sucks and Wallace dosen’t need to change. He does need his own spinoff. But for Scott, Ramona and Kim the trials to come are necessary to make them into their best selves by series end. 

So join me under the cut as we get sad so very very sad, this is Scott Pilgrim vs the Universe. 

Precious Little Life:  We open with Scott’s Birthday! Hit it MC Chris!

But yes it’s septmeber and Scott is now 24 years old. Also Julie is there because presumibly Stephen dredged her out of her swamp for the evening despite Julie likely not wanting to be there and Scott sure a shell not wanting her there.  He vows that he will be the best 24 year old ever...... yeah let’s take a brief look into the future to see how that pans out

But we have a full volume and more metaphorical rakes to whack Scott in the face before that paticular one. 

A MONTH AND A FEW DAYS LATER

It’s the day of the dead, whoa ho way down in Tornoto. It’s hosted by Satan Herself, who dosen’t realize the holiday for hags was yesterday. This is for remembering the dead and rising out of the grave to go resuce your young wards by ramming a bunch of guys in butterfly costumes with your car or stealing your children’s kidneys.  This is Rat Girl’s new place, a fancy loft she and 3 other girls went on to throw the best parties beaause of course. She’s also a bitch to our hero and heroine because of course. 

But Scott soon has more important things to worry about: Ramona spots his next two opponents.. the twins hinted at last time, Kyle and Ken Kataynagi, Perfect Jerk and Handsome Asshat respectively.

Kyle and Ken are easily the least intresting of the 7 exes. With the other 4 so far having been a loveable ham, a stoic movie star whose suprisingly nice and dies via skateboard, a gloriously douchey and dumb psychic evil version of our much more loverable dumb douche with personal connections to both him and Ramona, and Roxy who was genuinely sympathetic, held back by her own selfishness and anger.. we get.. two smug assholes who use robots. Their not UNINTRESTING, the robots have cool designs and the fight with them is genuinely exciting.. but they just don’t have the charisma or personal factor. Their jsut two assholes ramona dated at the same time who happen to know more about her well guarded past than the other exes and are more liable to bring it up.. and even then it’s not anything new as Envy pulled similar tactics far more intrestingly in volume 3. THey don’t ruin the volume or anything, thier fine, but I just wish O’Malley had done more. Especially since he clealry had more intresting ideas with them: the sound battle we saw in the movie was an early draft of this and one early draft had Scott’s previously unseen brother Laurence working with them. I don’t knowWHY he scrapped that as it raises the stakes and makes this far more personal for Scott. Which at this point is what the exes SHOULD be: Todd and Roxy BOTH were more personal threats, Todd being his ex’s boyfriend and first love and Roxy being a genuine competior for Ramona. These guys again are just two douchers who show up because we need 7 douchers to complete the doucher circle. 

So the twins declare their not going to fight scott.. and instead send a tiny robot to fight him. Awww. But for this fight O”Malley does something really intresting and creative.. he dosen’t focus on it. No really Ken and Kyle are dicks to Ramona so Kim wisely gets her out of there, and the two have a casual talk on the balcony while Ramona smokes. It’s some fun banter between the two that both shows why their shipped to all hell. The two just play off each other really damn well. Though we also get Craphole asking people if they want to come watch Scott get beat up because the worst. 

Something important character stuff comes up though: As was shown last time at her rightful rage that Stephen HAD an opportunity to book a gig and kept refusing it for his fecking album, Kim is still fairly salty about the whole recording an album bullshit. The biggest part of it..

It’s something you really DON’T expect to here coming out of kim: that she really LIKED the band. But beneath the pillar of salt she puts out daily... these were her friends, this was getting to do something creative and passionate, and it was a break from the daily grind. Even if her job isn’t TERRIBLE, getting to watch movies and hang out with her best friend Clerks style.. it’s still a retail job and those still weigh on you.. though frankly i’d take one of those over food service but sadly tha’ts what i get most of the time. This was fun.. and Stephen ripped that away from her for his own selfish reasons. No one else in the band really cared about making an album.. if Stephen REALLY wanted to find a more professional band.. then he should’ve just told them so Scott and Kim could find someone else to do guitars for them. Instead he forced them into doing something they don’t want to do and refuses to actually play shows, which COULD help both perfect songs for the album version and get them new fans for said upcoming album and provide them recurring venues to SELL said album,  because he really just wants to be with Joseph and fuck anyone else. Stephen is really just an inhernetly selfish git and i’ll get more into that in a bit. But first Wallace has a text for Scott. 

Now I COULD have just skipped over this.. but I didn’t want to. Plus we dont’ se Wallace for a while in this story so i’m taking what I can get. 

So back to Stephen being a repugnant ass. I’ve been waiting for this scene for the entire retrospective. I”ve hinted at it, and largely blamed it for why I hate him so damn much. The time is nigh to explain WHY. 

Stephen is with Knives, as the two are close friends and such. Stephen expalins Sex Bomb-Omb isn’t playing because he and the personfication of bitchiness broke up. Which knives points out is for...

But it’s clear from context this was the LAST time. Why he still got invited I dunno, plot convience. So far so normal.. until Stephen picks up that Knives is STILL hung up on Scott. Which is understandable crushes can last a while but i’ts equally understandable that Stephen is utterly baffled by it. Which I get,  I didn’t make an entire tom lucitor retropsecitve because I liked that his relationship with Star ended with him stepping aside due to what the show thought was “true wuv” but what comes off instead as his self loathing casuing him to blame himself for a realtionship that’s crumbling for reasons that aren’t his fault. 

And his actions here are incredibly well meant: He bluntly gives Knives the wake up call she DOES need: Scott cheated on her, he dated her because she was easy to date, strung her along for a bit while seeing someone else, then dumped her with not one care for her well being. That is stuff she NEEDS to get into her head so she can move on. She needs to see him for what he IS and not for what she’s built him up as in her head. And while yeah his rant DOSNE’T take into account the fact Scott geninely tried to make up for his actions in volume 3, Stephen wasn’t there for that and Knives probbably didn’t tell him about it.  So from his point of view scott broke her heart and did nothing.. and evne IF he knew that, Scott still hasn’t tried to do anything since despite Knives still being obessed with him nor come clean to her or Ramona at any point. Scott deserves this call out and the consequences that come with it. 

So your probably wondering WHY I hate Stephen because of this scene when he’s you know, RIGHT. Well it’s simple: being right dosen’t save you from being a MASSIVE hypcorite. He’s railing on Scott for cheating and hurting someone.. when he cheated on Julie and would’ve hurt her if she had the capacity for human emotion, empathy, or self awarness. The ending of the last volume and how bad, even for them, their relationship was implied the hell out of it, with him nervous when she brings up being paranoid over knives.. as if he WAS cheating. on One Face just not with a teenage girl but a grown ass man who hates everyone as much as BLARARARGAGAG does. 

Not only that.. but he was with Julie for the SAME DAMN reasons Scott was with Knives: it was easy. Now I WILL grant Stephen some sympathy: he’s a queer man and as one myself, bi for the record, I GET how fucking hard it is to come to terms with that, that what you thought you were isn’t ENITRELY true or, if Stephen is gay and not bi or pan, ENIRELY FALSE. So I do have some care that it was hard for him to sort all this out. I do and that Jospeh could’ve seduced him or what not. We don’t have all the context here. But he STILL cheated at the end of the day instead of telling her he was queer until MONTHS later.  And why yes the fact I have to feel bad for JULIE does make it that much worse. And yes their relationsihp COULD simply be that toxic or she could’ve gaslit him, but it seemed more like their relationship was messy breakups and getting back together over and over. While Julie IS vile, she’s not a domestic abuser mental or physical as far as I can tell. She’s a bitch and their relatioship is unehlathy but there was no indication their relationship involved gaslighting or evne phsyical violence: it was just fucked from minute one. So yeah he stayed in an awful relationship beacuse it was easier than coming out, when he should’ve broken it off as soon as it was clear he and Joseph were actually going somewhere. Waiting while he figured out who he was is one thing, tha’ts fiar, but cheating on someone just because you don’t have the nerve to break it off with them when their genuinely awful to you and your only hurting them as much as they can be hurt by dragging this out... yeah that just makes you an ass. 

Another point of contention is that he NEVER called Scott out on this. Never. Not even after this scene. Never encouraged him to tell Ramona or apologize to Knives, again he didn’t know Scott already had tried that. Never gets on him.. he just ignores Scott’s shitty behavior like eveyrone else and unlike Kim, whose still got unresolved feelings and is at the very least clearly bothered by his shitty behavior, and Neil, whose young and thus like me likely looked up to Scott at the time, he dosen’t have an excuse other than “Well I don’t want to ruin our friendship by actually calling him out when he does something objectivionally awful.” Especially since Wallace DID actually take action: he didn’t break up the relationship or say anythign to Ramona, which is wrong... but he did tell scott flat out after his first date with Ramona to break up with Knives. And when Scott chickned out of that, Wallace gave him the ultimatium, may it live in empathy, to do so or he WOULD tell Ramona. And at least Wallace has a motive for not telling Ramona other than “I don’t want to risk my friendship with a guy I really don’t care about and think is shitty”. He wanted to see Scott recover from Envy, something Stephen never gave ONE. SHIT. ABOUT. He saw Ramona was good for him and knew telling her, while the RIGHT thing to do, would severely harm Scott, and by volume 4 leave him homeless. Plus Wallace frankly enabled him for some time anyway, letting him live at their place rent free and paying for all his food and frequently letting Scott steal his credit card. WIth Wallace at least while it’s not the RIGHT move, it’s understandable and complicated vs Stephen who really dosen’t seem to like or get along with Scott after volume 1, suddenly cares what happens to his relationship. 

And what proves this... is this little exchange that ends the conversation. 

Knives despite her issues, despite blinding herself to how Scott treated her, despite everything... thinks Ramona should know. And she’s right. And Stephen KNOWS THIS. He knows it was the right thing to do and just.. takes a swig instead of admitting he’s a fucking hypocrite or explaining himself in any way.  He NEVER cared about Ramona’s feelings or how this would effect her or saw her as important in any way shape or form. Kim at least clearly feels guilty. Wallace clearly is only doing so because it’s better for both her and Scott that their together and is a flawed human being. Stephen.. just dosen’t do so out of some masculine bullshit code of not ratting out your friend and his own cowardace. He clearly COULD go walk up to Ramona right now and tell her, but he won’t. And again I don’t buy he honeslty cares enough about Scott for their friendship to TRULY be enough of a factor to stop that. Fuck. Stephen. Stills. 

So Scott wins naturally, but is bummed there’s no reward.. but Stephen points out there’s tons of free food over yonder so he noms before he and Ramona leave. 

We get some cute domestic bits with Scott and ramona: Scott playing games on her phone all day, the two cooking dinner, and Scott admititng he hasn’t thought of envy at all. “I have you now”. Though through it there are some signs of unease: Scott finds a letter to Gideon, and Ramona asks about her hair and stares out into the window. Nice little hints that even before the big bomb abotu to drop she’s not at ease.. she loves Scott.. but it’s hard for her to let herself BE happy. It’s easy to wager she wasn’t for most of her life. 

Can’t Face Up

So next we find Sex Bomb-Omb working on the album. Or rather Stephen and Joseph are. Scott and Kim are praying for death but death won’t come and Kim wonders why the fuck this isn’t finished. Joseph wants her out of his house... forgetting that Kim lives in said house. 

Still his expressoin implies he’s going to do a murder on her if she stays in the room and since Drummers are hard to come by Stephen spirits them to kim’s room for a band meeting. Turns out they do have a gig but naturally Rosemary’s Baby booked it... and they haven’t practiced in months because Stephen’s a moron. He theorizes it’s Freddy’s Revenge, which is admitely probably valid though Kim can TELL something worse happened Stephen won’t cop to because he’s a piece of shit. I spent several paragraph’s establishing that. They try blaying and two sucktacular minutes i’ts clear their fucked sunday. 

So after a scene of Knives trying HARD to justify Scott’s actions and blame htem on Ramona, to no success, we get one of my faviorite parts of this book: Scott rambling on for god knows how long about the x-men while Ramona gets dressed and is presumibly barely listneing. 

I relate so hard to this it hurts. While not this era I wll GLADLY go on and on about X-Men and anything X-Adjacent at any goddamn opportunity and anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis and you know this. I need to tlak more x-men outside of my slowly failing New X-Men retrospective (Which is on the back burner because no one seeems to genuinely care after chapter one). If I did have a signifgant other, they would probably end up in a situation like this quite a lot and i’d have no shame about it. 

I also love this scene even more as while I DID love x-men at the time, I wasn’t quite the mega fan I was, nor as familiar with Claremont’s long, epic and often fucking weird in the special wonderful way only comics can run. Given I OWN over half his run at this point, that has changed. Though oddly not this part. So not only do I get Scott’s talking about x-men I Know what SPECIFICALLY. 

And for the unitatied, a quick explination of what the fuck Scott’s going on and on about: In the late 80′s, the x-men fought a reality warping malevolent trickster god named the Adversary. IN order to beat him their friend forget had to perform a cermony to lock his ass away that required willingly given life forces. The X-Men did REALLY fucking die.. but the Goddess Roma, daughter of Merlin and enemy of the advesary brought them back to life. With their deaths having been broadcast on live tv, and with tons of dangerous enemies at their heels, the X-Men choose to let the world continue to think they were dead so they could hit said enemies where it hurt.

SO this is where Scott’s story comes in:The X-Men’s first mission was clearing out the reavers, a bunch of racist cyborgs, from a ghost town which they took over as their base. As Scotty said they traveled all over the world, fought aliens, more racists, and then went to New York as it literally went ot hell. it’s a LOT and I haven’t read most of that era. I just know about it. I have read that last part though: the x-men were ambushed while wolveirne was away by said racist cyborgs so Psylocke shoved them through the siege perilous, a gate thingy romana gave them that would give them a new life and amnesia and such, leaving wolveirne to get crucified till Jubilee, who’d been hiding in their base gary busey style, freed him. The two would travel the world, find psylocke body swapped which is why she was asian for several decades, and get into general stuff for a few years real time till the X-Men slowly reunited. And you probbaly dind’t need to hear all of that but your life is better for knowing it. 

As you can tell Ramona’s discontent is mounting. And probably not because of Scott rambling about x-men. Last night he told her about the time Magneto beat them all because they stupidly rushed him one at a time then forced them into high tech chairs while a robotic nanny babbied them and then esecaped because shut up before fighting magneto, getting surrounded by lava and having beast ASSUME they were dead because fuck actually coming back and searching just in case like a rational human being because magma or no the x-men have surivived worse, including the depths of space, and restoring all of reality from scratch.  I may of just read those issues tonight. 

She procedes to make things worse for our hero as when he asks fo rher advice.. she reveals she dosen’t like his band.. and while she means nothing BY that, she’s nice about it, telling him his band sucks days before a sudden show where you guys eat a lot isn’t something you do. Wallace is naturally even less helpful and maybe his not liking the band is why we barely see him interact. Maybe he just figured Stepheen was on the fence sexuality wise but wasn’t willing to put up with Julie to test that. I dunno. 

So at the restraunt Stephen’s a dick, refusing to help Scott with his problems. WHich for once are legitamte as he worries abotu Ramona keeping secrets. He just wants to talk about hte band.. but 48 or something hours after this he has no real plan. 

Scott mopes to Kim about Ramona and she has some sage advice for him...

Also thing one and thing two are at the bar with a remote. This cannot end well... granted givne our heroes are not at all prepared and are playing two diffrent songs, this was never going to end well. 

And things only get worse for Scott in the bathroom.. he’s not there.. but his girlfriend and his ex are. Knives tries to work it out.. but Ramona being a bit short with her, which is fair given Knives tried to stab her a bunch a few months back and never apologized, leading to a quick fight.. but with Knives heart not in it this time and Ramona pissed and this time NOT confsued as to what the hell ihs going on, it ends with Ramona slamming knives into a wall... and Knives sadly revealing the truth to Ramona...

The scene hits like a truck with both devistated.. Ramona not having realized Scott with this shitty.. and Knives FINALLY accepting that he is. Finally letting her obession with him drop and realize what he was and what he did and let the full impact hit. The last part also hits hard “No One Else Would’ve Told You’.  It’s a sad hard truth and it’s CLEARLY something that hits both women hard.  For Knives it’s realizing Kim and Stephen, who she’s increidbly close to at this point, both don’t have the stomach to do the right thing, and thus hid this from her and Ramona. Stephen DID tell her.. but he still didn’t have the guts to tell RAMONA nor the actual care. It’s the realization the people she looked up to truly let her down and that she had to do what they couldn’t, even if it tore her apart to do it. For Ramona it’s realizing her closest friends outside of Scott could’ve told her and never did. No matter how close she’s gotten to Kim and Wallace, neither gave a fuck about her rights or her need to know. 

So Ramona is rattled and barely speaks while Scott has been fighting anothe rrobot and ends the gig accidnetly smashing his bass. Stephen is pissy with him and blames hi mfor runing the gig, which turned out to be a trap anyway complete with fliers. 

Ramona decides to gently throw him out as he forgot his keys while his other friends won’t house him leaving him with the one friend he has who dosen’t hate him right now. WALLACE!

The Glow:

So at Casa De Welles, Wallace has some buddy time, not making any bones about the fact Ramona clearly threw Scott out for the night and wearing a neat robe. Scott mopes about the fact he hasn’t met mobile whose apparenlty on the astral plane. I wonder if he has any buisness with Emma.. I mean the x-men did live in san fran sicsio but given decimation didn’t have many psychics. Might’ve been tryign to get another one. THey didn’t have a whole island that walks like a man yet.  And while Wallace wasn’t in much of a coaching mood last time he is willing to help. He couldn’t get bupkiss on the twins since Scott can’t even remember their names, but he did pull off a miracle. Despite their being a million Gideons in New York.. Wallace found THE Gideon. Granted all he got was his full name, Gideon Gordon Graves, and a few burry photos, one with Ramona confirming this is our douche, but given he had only a first name and an ex to work with this is some damn fine work. Wallace asks scott about his future with Ramona but he just.. has no earthly idea because of course he dosen’t. He hasn’t REALLY thought about what comes after beating the exes because he never thinks anything through. Interesting stuff The next day Scott meets up with Kim at No Account Video and we get our first, and I mean literally first, indiciation things are falling apart with her and Hollie. Scott wants to say hi, Kim refuses him and gives a smart ass comment when he asks if them being roomates isn’t working out. He wasn’t even being a dick it’s just clear SOMETHING bad’s going on she won’t talk about because she puts up walls around hrself on a GOOD day and this clearly isn’t one.

It gets worse when they stop by Stephen’s place only to find Neil whose both taken up a combination of smoking and moping in a dark room. Never a good sign. Nor is Stephen apparenlty being at band practice.. meaning either he lied to Neil about where he went.. or he already started the band we’ll see him with next volume and is already stabbing his friends in the back. There wasn’t much to like about the guy to BEGIN with, but his behavior just gets worse with every volume and it’s reached it’s apex here. The speech was shitty enough, I spent several paragraphs explaning why, but the rest of his behavior isn’t much better. He abandoned two people who were, for god knows what reason loyal to him and abandoned the band because of some bearded asshole probably encouraging him to. 

We also get some telling behavior on Kim’s part. Whlie she’s usually morose around Scott in the face of this both just hang out, it’s plesant. She even smiles when she asks if it’s going to be a regular occurance when he stays with her that night. Granted she brings back her frown soon after, but as has been clear her feelings for him never really went away entirely, and this is the closest the two have been in volumes, just enjoying each others company. It’s also telling that Scott trusts kim with a favor.

We see the favor the next page: Kim hangs out with Ramona.. and Scott marchs in completely on purpose soon after. Granted Kim probably didn’t know THIS was part of the plan, and it’s mildly stupid.. but it DOES show progress for Scott. Keep in mind his usual tactic is “avoid the fuck out of it and hope it goes away’ So ACTUALLY wanting to talk about things and find her again, and not doing it in a creepy way but simply drawing her out with a friend, shows SOME maturlity. It’s still not the most mature.. but with Ramona clearly not wanting him at their place, her work not having a set location as she just picks stuff up and drops it off (And even if she’s picking up packages at the post office we don’t know which one or if there’s multiple and even if we did scott sure as hel l does not), he was out of options. It also WORKS, with Ramona breaking her mopeynesss to laugh and Kim stunned it didn’t just piss her off further. 

So we find out what happened with Hollie when Scott brings up jason. She points out they were dating but... welllllllll

Yeah... as you could probably tell I do not like this plot point at all. For one thing we never really got to KNOW Jason, and with him and Hollie getting a little too cozy at the end of the last volume...

It’s clear his ONLY roll in the story was to be there so Hollie could betray Kim in some way. And look I get a LOT in this series happens while we’re not looking, ti’s part of it’s charm. Things not pausing for the side cast is a trope I enjoy: it allows some things to progress faster and allows for some intresting stories when the main cast catches up. Steven Unvierse and Ducktales both used this well as does Scott Pilgrim but all three weren’t immune to someitnes goofing up and taking it too far. 

This whole situation is that: Hollie is a character I got attached to: She had a great report with kim, they were really close and she offered her a place to stay when it was clear she was miserable with the four horseman of the bitchpocalypse she lived with. So while having her suddenly heel turn is realistic... it just feels thorughly unsatisfying. We do not see Hollie again after she’s sudeenly derailed, so we never get to see what she’s apparenlty REALLY like or get any explination why this happened. Suddenly Kim’s best friend is a douchebag even though it makes no sense for her character. Just because in real life people can turn out to be really shitty on a dime dosen’t mean it’s a neat thing to READ in a story and it feels like a waste of what was one of the series best side characters. And granted i’ve been through FAR worse treatment of side characters, trust me but this one still blows to this day and if there is a netflix adaptation this either needs to not happen or have actual depth. Seriously Netflix your adapting everything else, get on the bus already. 

Scott is GENUINELY apologetic, we’ve rarely seen him this nice but he genuinely feels bad for her.. and unlike Stephen’s thing it’s okay to feel shitty someone got cheated on even if you were a cheater in the past. As I said Stephen wasn’t wrong about how Scott treeted knives.. he just also was trying to take moral high ground which Knives proved he absolutely did not have in seconds.

This triggers Ramona’s glow, the squggly line thing that shows up over her head ocasoinally.. and while Ramona grills Scott... Kim just finally asks what the hells up with her head. Scott’s reaction is “OH good you guys see it too”. Kim does try to show it to ramona but it’s gone by then and she drops it for now and outside encourages her to come to Julie’s latest shitty party.. I mean their miserable but at least it gives thems omething to do

So we get another instalment of “Scott rambles about the X-Men” or New Mutants in this case as we’re talking about Magik, Aka Illyana Rasputin 

So for the long version: The X-Men were staying at a creepy temple that Magneto had been working out of beause the mansion was being repaired. Colossus, everyone’s favorite Russian and Deadpool co-star, had his kid sister Illyana with him as Arcade, a ginger maniac assasian whose gimmick is creating elaborate murder theme parks, kidnapped her in a plot to get the x-men to fight Dr. Doom for him. Given this was during the Cold War they coudln’t exactly take her back, so she stayed with the X-Men and her beloved big brother. 

So naturlaly the spooky temple decorated in Cthulu’s had a portal to hell in it and  an evil and genirc looking fucker named Belasco kidnapped her to a hell dimension known as Limbo>  the X-Men went after her as you’d expect and things got WEIRD as due to some complicated and weird time dialition stuff I sitll don’t quite understand there ended up being two copies of the x-men: ours who came in right after, and a second batch who stayed there for about 7-8 years and got warped by Bellsaco’s magic as he killed or changed most of them. As a result Storm became a sorcerer to fight back, Kitty Pryde became some sort of cat creature and Kurt became a creepy evil version of himself. Illyana stayed htere, learned magics from both storm and asshole, learned to fight from cat kitty, and eventually escaped after a lot of horrible bullshit, hardnered and with her soul scarred from it, now a teenager. She joined the New Mutants, the training class of x-men in the comics, soon after. She’s a member agian in present day, one of the great captains of Krakoa, and one of the two co-leaders of Krakoa’s younger mutants, i.e. 20 something to teens and kids. 

This is the best of the two scenes as the narrative , or at least Scott’s versions parallels Ramona’s own; Getting taken in by an evil man and feeling tainted by that. 

So at the party Ramona runs into Neil whose a dick about it and with some girl. She WAS going to be fleshed out more in the original draft but Brian ended up scrapping it for time, but does regret it. It’s here we get Neil’s face punchingly dickish comment that’s also a massive hint as to Stephen’s sexuality. 

Yeah even if Stephen’s been an UTTERLY shitty friend to him.. this was uncalled for even for the late 2000′s. What a prick. I do like the arc of Neil slowly falling apart though getting more and more bitter as his old friends abandoned him casually, especailly Stephen. While his comment was still HORRIBLY unwarranted even with Stephen being a dipshit. 

Speaking of assholes we get our last major with Julie who berates Scott for grabbing some booze and brings in the twist. I’m.. i’m not even bothering to give her an insluting and weird nickname. She’s still a HORRIBLE piece of shit, as she brought Scott’s enemies there to try and beat him to death for her own amusment and berated him for getting booze at a party she CLEARLY expected him to come to, but she’s ALMOST gone. Seriously after this she’s GONE for the volume and barely in the rest of the series. So i’d rather celebrate FINALLY having earned my freedom over worrying about her any more than i have to. Cue the music!

So with that Kyle.. or is it Ken. 

But the blonde one needles ramona, giving her her faviorite booze and telling her “this is all just temproary”

So Ramona gets all glowy.. and Kim gets her phone out....

The Universe Fights Back So in a random bedroom Ramona gives up the ghost: SHe DOES know what that is she just can’t tell Kim. Kim accepts it and they share some drinks. Scott, after beheading the douche bros latest science project, joins them and we get a lovely scene of the three drinking and bonding and geneuinely just having a good time. Though Kim DOES mention that she wants to go back to school.. This will naturally be very important. 

What’s more important is this scene is ENITRELY while I poly ship these three dum dums. I mean while part of thier hapiness here is their blasted out of hteir heads, it’s also just Kim’s wall sbeing down. She tells the two she loves them, and I think MEANS IT. Not to mention this...

Okay maybe it’s just the two of them but they also love Scott. And again I get htier VERY obviously drunk.. but given Kim and Ramona are clearly actively supressing any bi parts of themselves most of hte time this is telling. The fact Ramona asks kim to sleep in THIER bed, likely with them, is ALSO very telling and Kim only dosen’t because their using sub space. No really that’s the only reason this volume didn’t end VERY diffrently with the three of htem having a three way before the argument coming up.. and possibly fixing said argument by having kim to mediate. I mean I get Scott’s not a big part of this so if you don’t want to ship him with them and just leave them alone that’s fine, ut I like the idea of them as a throuple: they ballance each other out.. and frakly with Scott’s irresponsblity and Ramona’s emotoinal issues they need someone to call them b oth out in the relationship, while these two are two of the only three people in the work i’ve seen Kim take her walls down for. Not even Jason got that, but Jason was also a carboard cutout. 

Things take a turn from Kim.. from an almost threesome where she CLEARLY would be getting most of the attention... to two assholes kidnapping her. Now while I don’t like the twins that much their plan for the final act IS actually clever: their the first ones to think to actually use the people Scott cares about.. or anything resembling strategy really. Matt just charged int here, Lucas coudln’t give less of a fuck, Todd just used brute strength like a teletkentic juggernaught, and Roxy DID use some but it was less to actually fight scott and more to get into ramona’s pants again. The twins see Kim clearly still loves Scott, and that while he acts aloff to her sometimes she really is one of his best friends. No really, think about it. Wallace is his BEST friend.. but Kim sticks by him even when he’s shitty, calls him out when needed, and despite her grumpiness is the one who has the most faith in him out of ANYONE. It’s a large point of the volume: she dosen’t bother watching the fights.. because she belivies he’ll win simply because he’s Scott. That’s love right there. The kind of love that gets you kidnapped as part of an elaborate scheme but love nonetheless. 

So we then get the scene that’s been coming for five volumes... after having sex, Ramona confronts Scott. While Scott admits he didn’t cheat on her with knvies, the other way around, that’s not better. He admits he’s been trying to forget about it.. and she calls him a bad person. And that. .hits him hard. While he DESERVES scorn for what he did... as he puts it next he’s been trying to change for her. To BE better. And all she sees, and outright confirms is another evil ex in waiting with Scott DESPERATE to prove her wrong and wrongly thinking beating the next three exes will fix this. It’s a VERY hard sceen to watch as while Scott does deserve this.. it’s also hard not to feel bad for him too. It really sums up the character: He is a dick.. but he’s TRYING to be better. He WANTS to be, he just dosen’t know how. And MAN can I relate to that.  It dosen’t help that Ramona is clearly projecting her own insecurties about this lasting, about actually being happy and about this really being her life onto him, using this as an easy out after having a month of doubt. Yes Scott did something unbelivibely shitty.. but both are trying to take the easy way out of it instead of genuinely discussing why it’s shitty, what he did was wrong and geniuinely unpacking if this is the end. Ramona clearly wants to bail, and Scott clearly just wants to punch a few guys to make it better. Neither thing will work. They need to work thorugh their issues to work... but neither is capable of that right now. They both want to run from the problem. 

This volume is in part about Ramona herself.. and showcasing her OWN flaws.. and like Scott her biggest is that she runs. She wants to escape her past too and both assumed the other would be an easy fix, that by having a good partner they’d be better.. when really their both mildly shitty people who need to make peace with their past and repair the bridges they’ve burnt and flip off the ones not worht reparing instead of running from it all the time. But sadly before both can.. their just gonna run again. Because sometimes fixing yourself is just not that easy. 

So the next morning Scott’s heart stops fo ra second when Ramona is seemingly gone.. only for her to instead be in teh shower. But Scott gets a text telling him the twins have Kim and TRIES to tell Ramona.. but she’s in the shower. As a result she’s worried he just ran off... and makes a decision , her hair cut back down after growing it out this volume, a sign of her hapiness.. now gone. 

The Glow Part 2 So at an abandoned wherehouse the fight is on. The twins have the advantage in part because Scott is hung over.. something they take offense to.. even though they were THERE last night. He was at a party. They don’t know he teatotles. What state did they THINK he’d be in this morning?

We also find out their origin: as Scott correctly guessed at the end of last volume, Ramona dated them both at the same time and pit them against each other. They found out and vowed to always fight as one.. which means Scott is not only fighting two equally powerful opponents at once, but two who work as a perfct team and double hurricane kick him. They also mentally break him down, pointing out her previous job and how she’s a runner and she’s here to run from her past working for Gideon.

They aren’t but I already went into that so let’s get onto more pressing issues: Scott is not only hung over but now doubting himself and his dumbass plan to beat gideon and magically fix things, while Kim is naturally not happy about being stuck in a cage all night. And while at first she’s genuinely just grumpy as always as it becomes clear Scott has lost hope and the twins are going to win this one her expression is heartbreaking...

After EVERYTHING she still loves him and can’t bear to see him in so much pain... and can’t loose him.. so she gets desperate and claims Ramona texted him to give him hope. 

This is one of Kim’s definting moments, the other coming next month. When faced with the person she loves possibly dying.. she lies to him.. so he can surivive. So he can have hope and make it through this.. despite how much it’s CLEARLY KILLING HER to not only tell him someone else loves him but to clealry lie that person loves him, knowing it’ll hurt him more.. but knowing if she DOSEN’T he’ll die. It’s one of the most painful, heartbreaking and beautiful moments in the entire series. It’s why I said earlier while I don’t like the brothers their climactic fight his excellent.. because it is. Their verbal breaking down of Scott is hearbreaking and Kim’s sacrifice equally so. 

And before stomping them into coins SCott shows further growth.. by showing he CAN give off a good one liner now...

So Scott beats them and gets Kim out of the cage, worried about her.. but despite having a chance, Kim lets him get on his way to ramona and morsoely wlaks off... while ominously the sign points out this will soon be the Chaos Theater. There’s still one left to go. 

But.. it’s sadly not enough. While Scott gives her a heartfelt speech... even if he quotes the song as long as you love me... he dosen’t care who she is.. but Ramona does.. calling herself a bad person.. as she vanishes.... and I cry my eyes out again. God two really heartbreaking scenes in a row sweet jesus this volume will be the death of me.. and not just because i’ts taken so damn long to write this review. And on top of tha the looses the cat and ends up locked out. 

World of Ruin:

So yeah if you thought those bits weren’t easy.. it only gets roughter as we see Scott in the aftermath of the breakup. His dream world is now desolate and he’s alone. Now to his creidt as much shit as i’ve given him Stephen didn’t ENTIRELY abandon Scott: he put him up fo rth enight (though he kicks him out after work) and offers to take him to after work drinks. We also see a nice side of Scott’s intimdating boss as she offers her symaptheties at him crying... while he says it’s the onions... he’s transparenlty lying. 

Next up is Kim. Though she dosen’t have a couch because Hollie sold it.. which as dickish as she suddenly is it IS her couch as Kim points out.. so yeah Kim and Scott end up sleeping awkardly in the same bed facing away from each other.. and to add another emotional guttpunch at the worst possible time: She’s going back home. 

Stacey is even lesss helpful as SCott continues to ask about cats and is unsypantethic about her leaving despite you know,  him REALLY not being at the shit talking her stage yet bud. At least we do get to see Stacey in this one I genuinely forgot she was in it. 

So at Wallace’s he’s no help either pointing out she might be with someone else because he’s wallace and we meet a guy with Glases.. and in his bad state Scott assumes i’ts gideon. it’s not though. WE finally meet Mobile!

He’s exactly what wallace needs.. a fellow sarcastic asshole. 

So next up is Kim’s goodbye.. which once again is really emotinal..a nd not just because  my faviorite character is leaving and again, younger me didn’t know this wasn’t forever.. or that she’d be back for a rather huge role next time. But still it’s a damn good scene that shows how far Scott’s come...

While the first part is standard... the second is Scott realizing that she still had feelings for him, clearly given her actions during the fight, and he’d been a right dick this whole time never dealing with it or apolgoizing for his past. Granted he still has a way to go to REALLY apologize for it... but he’s trying and means it. And with her possibly never seeing again.. she needed that. Also her coat is damn cool. I’d say I want one like that btu i’d really prefer one like Scotts complete with x-men patch. Pax Krakoa bitches. 

We get a really nice scene after where we meet Scott’s parents! Their also really kind helping him get a new place and move on... and runs into another glasses guy. But this time it’s Laurence! Who he drop kicks.. and then gives a broken bass back to. Eh... i’ve seen worse relationship with siblings honestly. He didn’t murder scott’s friend or plunge a whole galaxy into war or try and murder his daughter. Other Scott’s weren’t so lucky. 

So after that awkardness SCott finds the note to gideon which is a break up letter... she never sent. However there’s something more pressing as he gets a call... and you can probably guess given his luck lately who that’s from. 

Eh it’s not that murderoius creep but another one. 

The end.. is in a few weeks.

Final Thoughts: 

As I said I hated Vs the Universe on first read but re-reading it with hindsight and maturity.. it’s damn good. It’s depressing as hell.. but the things it does need to happen to push scott into a bad enough place for the next volume to work, and are natural: Ramona and Kim leaving, The band  breaking up, Scott kicking his brother in the face.. all natural things. It hurts, this was a HARD one to write and I only feel the next one will be harder because it’s way longer with less slice of lifey stuff to skim through in my recapping. 

But it’s a damn good one, with fantastic art, really gripping scenes, x-men refrenes and a spotlight shone on my girl kim. Even it’s weak spots dont’ hurt it: the twins are only weak by comparison, and still work well enough for the story, pushing ramona into the bad mental place she needs to be for the story to work. Hollie’s thing DID Need to be written way fucking better... but it does push kim into leaving which is CRITICAL for next time. So they aren’t GREAT elements, but they work. The only real other problem I have is knives just.. vanishes after her scene outside of one bit with Stephen, but that I can understand as the book is pretty tightly packed and she gets a fitting sendoff next time anyway. All in all another amazing entry and the perfect warm up for one of the best endings in comics history

Next Time: I said it and I meant it: one of the best endings in comics history as Scott hits on some exes, fights himself and betters himself as he prepares for his finest hour! Will Ramona Come back? Will Kim? Will Julie?... to answer your questions yes yes, and god dammit. Thank you all for reading, see you at the next rainbow. 

[lokidrabbles]

Hold My Hand (Loki x Reader)

Reader goes through an episode and begins to question their feelings for Loki

A/N: This is another angst ridden oneshot, which originally was intended as this super agonizing break up story, but I was able to end off in a much lighter note. Though I am not terribly ‘proud’ of this one, perhaps some of you can find some comfort in it! As always, Gender Neutral Reader! Warnings: Angst, mentions of depression, potential break up

The realization hit you like a barrage of bricks, and it was absolutely horrifying. The truth had been displayed right in front of you, and while the past year was wonderful and unbelievable, it had to be said. You had an instinct to declare it to yourself, so the tantalizing dream could finally break away.

You couldn’t be with Loki, because you didn’t love him.

Or, at least, you weren’t sure if you did.

A relationship with him was simply idealized in your head like a made up fantasy. You grew extremely close to him, and soon he became the first thing that would pop in your mind each day. It was wonderful to feel that same thrill, that same ecstatic excitement you had missed for so long. For a while, Loki had become your totem, a way to motivate yourself each and every single day. A role model who had overcome such travesty, and would help you push yourself to your fullest potential. He made you feel things you’d never imagine you could feel, both emotionally and physically. The best way you could describe it was an exquisite high, one you wished you would never run out.

It would all diminish as time passed on, and the extreme guilt overwhelmed your once content self. The same familiar cloud began to hung overhead, plaguing you with the worst intention. You had been using him as a way to replenish your long missed happiness. And it was the most selfish thing anyone could possibly do to him. You’d begin to recall the many nights you had selfishly coerced him to stay with you, an effort to avoid your loneliness and satisfy all of your physical needs. He would always comply, and you figured it was because something frothy like this with a human wasn’t as morally compelling for someone who was over a thousand years old.

But it was still using him for such a egoistic reason. And so you began to question whether the feelings you shared for him were based on something genuine, you actually being in love with him as a sole person, or because he paid attention to you, and kept you away from those debilitating memories.

The discourse in your head would soon begin to affect you, and it wouldn’t take long for Loki to begin to realize it.

Your energy around him began to dwindle, and his random pops into your home would almost be unnoticeable. It was as if your feelings or him, or anything relating to him, had completely hardened. The facade became exhausting, and soon your expression would too become hardened.

Loki, as introspective as he was, took a bit to catch onto it. He would fully come to confront you however once he saw you physically tense up at his playful hand over your waist. You had never reacted like this before, and the message was loud and clear. You did not want to be touched by him, it was just to difficult to deal with.

Your usual chipper walks back to your home were now silent and swift. You still felt some obligation to talk to him about what has been plaguing your mind, but even looking at him would cause physical discomfort. You were terrible, and you felt unworthy of even standing next to him.

An evening, one shrouded by a crescent moon and scattered night clouds, would finally provide you with the courage necessary to confront him. You recognized he was able to sense your nervousness, and began the excruciating conversation.

“What have you been hiding from me?” He asked, but you interpreted it as something more of a command.

You felt a lump form at your throat, still avoiding to look at him in the eyes. “I don’t think...we should be together anymore.”

He halted in his steps, as you continued to walk a couple ahead of him. You stopped however, remaining still, waiting for an answer.

“You’ll have to run that by me in a better way.” He said, his voice still firm.

You turned towards him, only looking at the path over his feet. “Just what I said. I don’t want us to be together anymore. I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner.” Your voice was hoarse, holding back the lump still.

The air became heavy, and Loki was still immobile with your words. He then scoffed, and chills ran through all of your body. “Right, of course.”

As if on response, your eyes began to fill up, the burning sensation making it difficult for you to notice. All you could do was nod. Pathetic.

“Could you, at least explain to me why?”

You weren’t really sure why, but a part of you wanted to scream out and tell him to just forget about what you said and go back to how it was. “I don’t want to be with you, that’s why.”

“Look at me, human.” He demanded again.

“Loki, I can’t-”

You felt his touch at your chin, and you flinched again. Loki stepped closer to you, and used his hand to raise up your face to finally look at him. You expected his expression to detail his rage and disappointment towards you. Indeed, you had used him like some fanciful thing to take away your insecurities and solitude. And you knew Loki was not a man who appreciated being toyed with. You braced for the worst, but was met instead with the look of a man who appeared....fearful.

Loki’s gaze darted all over your face, and you could notice the twitching at the corner of his lips. His eyes would too become glassy, shining with the dim moonlight. You had never seen him like this, but still felt disconnected from it all. You were disgusting.

“I’ve felt you pull away from me, from my touch, and I’d imagine I must have upset you in some way. But, this?” He said, a small nervous laugh escaping from his mouth. “I don’t...have I hurt you?”

You were so disgusting. “No. I’m sorry, it’s not that.” Your voice continued to linger, low and unfeeling.

“Tell me.” He said, and you noticed his jaw trembling. “Say what’s on your mind.”

You disconnected from yourself completely, wanting to avoid feeling the pain of your own words. It was better this way after all, and if it mean severing your connection from him, then so be it.

“I don’t...feel love for you. I don’t think I ever did. I’m so sorry for misleading you all this time. It’s just, I don’t think its fair to you.”

His face fell hollow. The shine is his eyes vanished, and he removed his hand from under your chin. It had been done.

“You are indeed, the worst kind of human I have ever encountered.”

You couldn’t breathe, and your body went numb. This was it, and the journey would be long and grueling. He hated you now, despised you.

Through the tormenting reality, you then felt him grip your arm harshly. You yelped, but it was soon cut off by Loki’s palm landing firmly over your forehead. He pushed your head backwards slightly, and you began to feel a warm sensation at it’s nexus. You felt your eyes roll at the back of your head and began to lose touch with your present reality, all too quickly.

Your vision became hazy, and smoky figures began to take form and shape in this new space Loki had throw you in. You began to hear murmurs of people talking, and the images and voices would become more apparent. Your memory would take its full shape, and two distinct figures fell into place in front of you.

It was you and Loki, together. You both were together in your home, sharing a warm drink across your kitchen table, squabbling about something you still couldn’t make out. Your voice would pan out, and the conversation would prick at your ears.

“If you ask me, I think you’re abilities are much more handy to have in combat than whatever Ironman’s fancy suit does.” You heard yourself say.

“If only everyone else shared your magnificent introspection of my combat ability. Alas, I am only restricted to certain things. Of course, I know exactly why, but it’s not very fun.”

“Well, I have a feeling you have a very skewed notion of fun, Mr. Mischief.”

“I think you humans have a very boring perception of fun.”

“But! We are still very charming in other ways, yes?”

You saw him roll his eyes, while swirling the hot drink in his hand. From an onlookers perspective, you saw yourself beam and giggle at his reaction. The smile forming across your face was addicting, and you had seldom seen yourself in such a way. Your hair was a mess, you wore unfitting clothes, and your face was natural and bare. It was a heavy contrast from Loki, who was wearing a well fitted suit, but it was something you did not bother to worry or feel conscious about. You knew how to be happy, that was for sure, but lately it was all amiss. You were happy during this moment however.

“Charming, in the sense that you seem to get an enjoyment out of my distress and suffering? Then yes.” He said, jestingly of course.

“Oh, I’m not that mean to you, am I? I just poke a little humor at you so you don’t feel so awkward with me.”

“I believe we are past that, aren’t we?”

You remembered how you had felt your hear flutter at his words. “What would that mean for you then, Mr. Mischief?“

“Perhaps this courtship has worked its way to my satisfaction. Or perhaps you are just fun, that is all.” He had shrugged casually, knowing he was teasing at you.

You sputtered a laugh. “Courtship? Sheesh. Let’s just call it dating and maybe we can work through that instead.”

“Dating is for children. If you’d like for me to be more bold,” You saw his hand reach over the table to hold at yours. “ This is my way of saying, that I have grown very fond of you.”

“Go on.”

He smirked. “I will admit, I was very apprehensive at first, especially considering the circumstances of our coming about. Also, I have a bad history with humans as it is.”

You saw yourself place your other hand over his, and you recalled gripping it tightly, as a way to demonstrate your own fondness over him. “It’s weird for me, to have you say that. Because I’ve come to known you for the person that you are today, and that’s why I’m always so excited to see you every day.”

“Then we share the same energy. I cannot promise you, however, that things will be...what you would consider ‘normal’. I hope you comprehend there’s a lot of baggage I carry with me still.”

“I guess I’ll have to ask you the same in regards to me.”

“I can tolerate anything you’ll throw at me dear, in that you can have my word. I’ll support you through everything.”

“Can I tell you something, that is completely vulnerable and embarrassing?”

He nodded, and you saw how you had worked up your own courage to reveal something you had long forgotten about.

“I haven’t really felt like this about anyone in such a long time. It’s scary, especially considering you’re an alien to me, but I think I can say I lo-“

“Stop. Stop it. Don’t.”

You had completely forgotten about this too. You had come to discover about Loki’s inward embarrassment for when someone would flat out mention those three little words to him. You recall how his mouth twisted, and how he averted his gaze at you, as if to hide to pinkness in his cheeks.

“Oh my god, you really can’t hear it, can you?” You had asked teasingly.

“Don’t push it. We were having such as great conversation, and then you-”

“Oh, Loki I love you sooooo much!” You exclaimed, with your own mischievous smile.

He got up from his seat in a huff, walking away into your living room while murmuring something along the lines of how much he hated you and how it was all a mistake. You skipped behind him, still saying those words in a sing song manner. You heard him raise his voice at you, but it all became muddled once more. The fixed image began to smoke and haze out, now left with puddles of memories. It began to roll off, leaving a single pinpoint of light and you felt your body transported back to the present. Your eyes rolled back into place, and you gasped heavily.

You pushed Loki off of you, causing you to stumble backwards. You attempted to catch your breath, as you began to process what exactly had happened. “What did you do to me?” You asked in between huffs. “What did you do!”

“What’s the matter?” he asked, looming over you. “Surely you’d remember something like that, or perhaps it was too painful?”

“Don’t you ever do that to me again!” You exclaimed, stepping away from him. “How fucking dare you get in my head like that!”

“No, how dare you just toss something like that to the side?” He snarled at you, but you stood your ground. “You really expect me to believe something like that?”

 A rush of adrenaline hit you, furious at how he had entered your subconsciousness, and furious at how he wanted to manipulate the situation. You clenched your teeth, allowing him to release everything onto you, despite it all.

“I’ve simply demonstrated to you exactly what your mind is experiencing. Not wanting to be with me? Very unlikely.” He continued, now completely towering over your.

You couldn’t comprehend the level of arrogance he was showing. “You don’t know what you’re saying. I can’t believe how pretentious you are being about this!” You said.

“You’re acting as if you never knew this about me. However, I did hear something else in your mind.”

“You don’t know anything.”

“I do know you, stupid human. You’ve been calling yourself those poisonous words again. They continue to echo inside your mind, and you didn’t bother to discuss it with me. Why?”

The distance between the both of you was smaller now, but Loki hadn’t made a move to lay a finger on you. You expected him to reach out to you, encircling his arms around you, and shushing you, telling you everything would be okay. But you had been pushing away during this whole time know, and perhaps this had been his way to respect your space. You desperately sent out a solemn thought to him, to disregard all of the foolish things you have done and to simply embrace you tightly.

“I don’t know.” You felt the tears stream down your face, as you began to tug at your hair. “I’m so sorry, please it’s not you.“

You toppled downwards on your knees, and unleashed the wave of unrelenting depression and anger. Your wails were horrendous, and they echoed all over the block. You never wanted something like this to happen, and you never wanted to hurt him in such a way.

Shortly, you felt the same familiar warmness across your shoulders and back, feeling Loki’s breath at the top of your head. Your body continued to shake violently, still adjusting to the sudden release of sentiment, but experiencing a huge sense of relief, as if a boulder had been lifted from your back.

“I’m sorry I invaded your mind like that.” He whispered to you. “But I wanted to show you that memory I hold closer and dear to me. I still feel the same, and I hope you still do as well.”

Your mind traveled back to that moment in time, now possibly forever crystallized in your head. Both you and Loki, holding each other’s hands, allowing each other to be as vulnerable as possible, while still providing each other with the utmost security and confidence, as much as any two individuals could.

“Do you still wish to end this?” He asked sternly.

You shook your head, burying your face deep into his shoulder. “No, but, I don’t feel like I should just accept it like this. I fucked up so much, I hurt you-”

“You did not hurt me.” He cut in. “I’m not a child you know. You saw me clearly telling you before, did you not? I will be with you, even at your lowest of moments.”

“I’m so sorry, I do still love you.” You said with a muffled voice.

He let out a low chuckle. “I’ll still recoil upon hearing those words. I do apologize for that, but you have nothing to apologize for. You are the most important and precious thing in the universe to me. So please, promise me that you won’t go through your anguish on your own anymore. For me?”

It had been something you were longing for throughout that night, his own special way of unraveling the mess that you concocted inside yourself. It was that utmost attention to detail which continued to draw yourself to him. He had used this piece of time, this memory which you both shared, not to manipulate or coax you into something else, but you simply remind you. You saw yourself, happy in the presence of this man, and you saw him re-experiencing the same long lost feeling.

[youdonknowaboutme]

First, There’s Sierra. Then, There’s Bash.

Roller Derby has been my dream since I was fifteen years old. I saw “Whip It” in 2009 and fell in love. I always said that if there’s one thing I regret, it’s not starting sooner. I thought about that for a moment and realized that things fell into place exactly when they were supposed to. Every derby player I know will tell you that it came into their lives when they needed it the most. I believe in this theory wholeheartedly. This beautiful, all-inclusive sport saved my soul.

It took a broken person,

Turned her into a beast,

And slapped her with the name “Bash.”

My given name is Sierra. My name was almost Savannah until parents heard the name Sierra being thrown around in a Burger King. My derby name is Khloe KarBash-u-in, but my teammates call me “Bash.” My derby name is more than just a name on the back of my jersey. 

I knew I was meant for this when going through old photo albums at my parents house. I came across a photo of me in a sassy pose, wearing Barbie skates in my grandma’s kitchen. Even though it was 1997, my dad says that he still catches me with the same look on my face. Some things never change. The only difference between now and then is that I ditched the fanny pack. 

My parents were very surprised when I told them I started playing Roller Derby. I do admit, it was pretty out of the blue - over lunch at KFC. I thought it was a little strange that they never expressed any worry about me getting hurt. Maybe they thought it was just another phase? Honestly, I think they were more skeptical than anything because I sucked at every sport I ever played growing up. I was never really the “aggressive” type. When they saw me play for the first time, I don’t think they were too impressed because I was still new. I admit that I was never a Bambi when I first drafted, I was always pretty stable on my skates...just a little lost.

I started training with the Treasure Valley Rollergirls in January 2017. I remember my first practice so vividly because it was held in a barn that was so cold, I could see my breath while skating. Our coach said, “You should all be proud of yourselves for showing up. There are a lot of people who want to do this but don’t have the courage yet.” I have carried this with me since day 1. So I don’t just play this sport for me, but I also play for the ones who aren’t quite ready to lace up a pair of skates. 

I will forever be grateful to the Treasure Valley Rollergirls for giving me my introduction to derby. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite what they were looking for. They were looking for someone who was secure with themselves and what they were capable of. I didn’t possess that kind of confidence. I skated my last practice with TVR on a Wednesday and 24 hours later, I rolled into my very first practice with the Beet City Bombers. By this time, it was March 2018. 

Treasure Valley taught me how to skate.

Beet City taught me how to derby. 

I received the best of both worlds (insert Hannah Montana singing). 

On June 14, I became a drafted player for BCB. Aside from my high school and college graduations, draft night will go down in my personal history as being one of my greatest achievements. It was a very liberating experience for me because it was the most confident I ever felt in my life. When you spend a year in a half working your ass off for something you’ve wanted since you were a teenager, you would probably feel the same way. 

I’m not going to say I never had any opportunities to start derby sooner. When I was in high school, TVR’s very own Demolition Barbie used to work at my local library. TVR’s Draculatte was a barista on the NNU campus. The Rollerdrome gave me the contact information for BCB in 2013. 

I waited and that’s okay. 

I may have been confident on draft night but that was just a moment in memory lane. As a new skater, I wanted to see where I belonged on the track by trying everything. I probably tried every position on the track before I formed a tight bond with the outside line. 2020 is going to be a little different, as our team is smaller now and I have morphed into a backwards facing blocker. This last practice, my teammates and coach encouraged me to start jamming. Apparently, I’ve had secret jamming skills this whole time but never realized it. My derby is ever-changing.

My lack of confidence has played a huge part in my derby story. I’m an emotional person who struggles with depression and anxiety. My fear of failure is no secret to my teammates. I’ve had emotional breakdowns at games that were almost impossible to get through. When our team won, I would feel like they won without me. I say this from experience: tears and glitter don’t mix. 

Last summer, I took almost 2 weeks off to go on vacation with my family. It gave me time to get away and make a game plan for my comeback. I had an epiphany and discovered that derby wasn’t my first love, skating was. I started going to practice an hour early, three days a week just to skate. 

Some call it crazy,

I call it therapy. 

I can’t describe the feeling I get when I skate, but I can tell you that there’s nothing I would rather be doing in that moment. Skating gives me wings and brings me peace. 

The most difficult thing for me as a derby player so far is coming to the realization that I’m not going to be the best of the best overnight. In fact, I learned that this whole outlook is completely skewed. Roller Derby is about being my best and whatever that may entail, which is emulated by the choices I make to be the player I want to be.

This is my blog and I can speak my truth:

You can be a great derby player and a poor skater.

You can also be a great skater and a poor derby player.

My choice is to be an equal combination of both, which is entirely possible if you put the work in.

I separated skating skating and derby. Skating is mine and no one can take that away from me. I’m in complete control with no obstacles getting in my way, just the polish concrete in front of me. Someone suggested to me once that I treat my skating as a form of worship. I didn’t quite understand what she meant at the time. When I skate, it’s like the building I’m in is my church and I’m worshipping God through my skating. The feeling I get is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, I’m so in love with it. Skating will always be my greatest passion and derby is a close second. 

Derby on the other hand, isn’t about me at all, it’s about us. 

Skating is me,

Derby is we. 

We are more than just a group of women hitting each other on quad skates, vying for the crowd’s reaction (although that is lovely feeling). By making this clear distinction between skating and derby, my entire perspective has changed. I’ve become a better player and a better teammate because of it. 

I often think how different my life would be without derby. If it wasn’t for derby, I would have never fallen in love with with skating. Without the connections of our community, my living and work situation would be entirely different. I would have never met my best friend. I would have never gained a second family. I wouldn’t have the memories and I wouldn’t have the support.

Roller Derby may be one of the only sports in the world where you can hit someone at full force and hug it out afterwards. It’s the fastest growing sport in the world for a reason. 

Thanks for tuning in! It’s great to have a platform where I get to share my thoughts with the world. It’s even better to know that people are reading them.

All my derby love,

Sierra/Bash 

[dreams-of-kalopsia]

Fictober Prompt 21

“Change is annoyingly difficult.”

Voltron fanfiction (Plance)

No warnings apply.

Read it on AO3.

____

Part 1 (Pidge): Timing

Part 2 (Lance): Intuition

Part 3 (Colleen): Grounded

Part 4 (Hunk): Change

Hunk senses something wrong the moment he lays eyes on his best friend. Lance is sitting alone at their usual table, elbow propped and sulking face resting heavily on his fist. His other hand pokes at his food with a spork.

“Stop that,” Hunk scolds as he takes the seat across, carefully placing his lasagna-laden tray on the table.

Lance stops. But only to give him a sullen glance.

He shakes his head in annoyance. That’s when he sees the half-finished tray of food beside his friend’s. Everything clicks in his mind.

Pidge was called away again.

“Who was it this time?” he asks without preamble.

Lance’s answer is a grumbled “MFE pilots.”

“Aww man, again?” Hunk groans. “We don’t see Pidge her first week of being grounded. She gets a little leeway, and Sam, Matt, and Slav drag her around with them for days. They finish whatever they were doing, and the MFE Division takes her away—with me, because apparently they’re big fans of Voltron’s tech team, but that’s beside the point—and now the MFE pilots want something from her again?” He throws his hands up. “What about us? We haven’t hung out for weeks!” He then points at Pidge’s tray. “Pidge didn’t even enjoy her food long enough to realize I made it, in celebration of our supposed hang out day!”

Another grumble. The weak reaction aggravates Hunk, and he crosses his arms.

“You didn’t notice either, did you.” A statement because his friend clearly hasn’t. “I’ll assume it’s due to Pidge bailing out on us and not my culinary skills.”

No response other than louder stabby noises and a sulkier Lance.

“Ugh. I miss her!” he gripes. “Don’t you?”

A flash of regret crosses Lance’s face.

It’s a stark contrast to the confused, embarrassed blushes he’s had for the past two months or so. Hunk can’t remember exactly when he began seeing the expression, but he’s pretty sure he hasn’t seen it on his friend until around three weeks ago. At first, he thought it was because Allura’s been spending most of her time with Romelle and Coran in the hospital wing, waiting for the Altean pilot of that Komar-robeast to regain consciousness. He didn’t even connect anything when news of scary Mrs. Holt grounding the Green Paladin of Voltron first reached their ears. But after repeatedly watching Lance make that expression at every mention of Pidge, Hunk is now sure that it’s a Pidge issue his best friend is having.

And he thinks he has enough facts to put together to figure out what’s been happening with his friends.

Fact number one: Pidge likes Lance. She told Hunk herself.

Fact number two: She used Hunk’s cheesy, thoughtless pick-up line—a fact that will forever crack him up—on his best friend. Lance told him himself.

Fact number three: Lance also said that he’d tried asking Pidge about what she meant but ended up taking her to Varadero for sunset watching instead. How he managed to turn an impending serious talk into a day trip, Hunk will never know.

Fact number four: Pidge was grounded the day after and disappeared for a week.

Fact number five: She’s been spending less time with Hunk and Lance since her reappearance. Okay, no. For the benefit of the doubt, Hunk will allow that she’s become so busy she barely has time to hang out. That still implicates her because she doesn’t make time for them. She’s not the only busy Paladin on Earth, after all; if he and Lance can do it, she should’ve been able to do it, too. So the benefit of the doubt doesn’t work for her… well, benefit.

Sooo something happened in Varadero convincing Pidge that Lance rejected her, hence why she’s limiting her interactions with him without making it obvious that she is—which, contrary to what she believes, she’s being totally obvious about.

“I wasn’t rejected, Hunk. I just decided to give up on him,” Pidge said around a mouthful of peanut butter cookies he’d given as secret bribe, during one of their breaks from upgrading the MFE units last week.

Give up? On Lance? As if.

As if Hunk doesn’t catch the longing glances she’d send their friend when she thinks everyone’s too distracted to notice. As if she doesn’t stare after Lance with a regretful expression on her face the exact same way he sees Lance do.

Yeah.

He chomps grumpily on a heaping spork of lasagna.

As if.

Hunk hates that he’s the only one who notices stuff like this. He hates it. But what he hates more is his inability to leave ostensibly well enough alone once his gut tells him that something’s off. And what he hates most is his perceived, reluctant duty to be the voice of reason that points everything out to everyone else. Because that’s how he ends up standing right in the middle of things whether he likes it or not, how he unwittingly advertises himself as mediator when things turn out to be a full-blown conflict.

It’s exhausting sometimes. Getting to say ‘I told you so!’ loses its vindicating satisfaction when one gets to do it all the time. Still, bringing up an issue so the people involved can address and resolve it is an awkward task he’d willingly undertake if it means they’d all get along again.

But that’s the problem with the current thing he’s embroiled in. There’s no issue. No conflict, no falling-out, no friendship broken. Just Pidge dealing with rejection in the maturest manner Hunk has seen from her and Lance acting like he’s lost her even though she never left in the first place.

It’s like watching two people dance expertly around each other. Except one twirls in pirouettes of classical ballet, the other breaks it down with hip hop moves, and neither of them is aware of dancing at all. As a frustrated spectator on the sidelines, Hunk is honestly starting to worry that his motion sickness will return one of these days.

A resounding stabbing sound causes him to jerk his head up towards the source. He finds Lance staring out onto the hallway beyond the mess hall’s window, fingers frozen and tines of his spork impaling a slice of lasagna rather morbidly. Following his friend’s gaze leads Hunk’s eyes to Pidge, who’s talking animatedly with Nadia and James.

Oh boy. Great timing, Pidge.

She meets their gazes and sends them a genuine, apologetic look, but she doesn’t spare them a minute to give an actual apology. In three seconds, she’s walked past the windows, disappearing on them again. She makes it look so easy.

“Gotta admit, that one hurts a bit,” Hunk says with a wry smile. His best friend releases a miserable sigh at the same time. He turns back to Lance in surprise. “Chill, dude! It’s just one missed hang out day. No need to be that dejected.”

The stabby noises resume with increased force. He resumes eating his food.

“Look, you’re being dramatic. It’s not as bad as that time Eliza Moreno rejected you—no, no,” he corrects himself, “You didn’t really like her; you just liked flustering her. Okay, so not as bad as when Noelle Page dumped—”

“I dumped her.” Whoa, a response, albeit grumpy.

“Yeah?” Memories of that messy one-sided breakup resurface in his mind. “Yeah, right!” He slaps his forehead. “How could I forget! Remember how she waited crying outside our bunk room until you talked to her? Even our COs couldn’t take her away.”

Lance’s sulky frown deepens. “I don’t think anyone could forget.”

“So not as bad as when Mila Chen—”

“She was over me by the time I became fighter class.”

“Oh. What about when Sophie Carson—”

“Turned out to like Madison Boyer?”

“…That didn’t bother you? You were courting her for some time, right?”

“To help make Maddie jealous and confess to her.”

“Ooh. An ally, I see.” Hunk raises his cup to his friend, impressed by this inside info.

Lance just scoffs.

“Okay, wait. I’m sure about this: Jenny Shaybon. The only Jenny who ever mattered to you. You had a really good thing going on for over a year before she left the Garrison to chase her dreams.”

“We parted as friends.”

“You did?” Hunk pouts, then sighs. “So I guess it’s not as bad as when Allura and Lo—” Lance strikes the table with his palms.

“Why are you going through my romantic history, Hunk?” he demands, still miserable but now also fed up. “Just tell me what your point is.”

“My point is that you don’t have to feel as bad about a missed get-together as a failed relationship.”

Though Hunk’s tone is placating throughout his explanation, his best friend shoots him an affronted look. “First of all, my relationship with Allura hasn’t failed; it’s actually just about to start. Secondly, I don’t feel as bad about this as you think.”

“So stop looking like you do.” The words seem to strike Lance like a direct, physical hit, and Hunk has this acute feeling that he just said the wrong thing at the worst possible time.

But why?

Before Hunk can begin to figure out what he said wrong, Lance gathers his and Pidge’s trays and quietly stands up.

“Uhh, where are you going?”

“I’m heading back to my room. Sorry, Hunk. Let’s hang out another day.” Lance walks out of the mess hall without another word, head bowed and shoulders slumped.

“…Wow. Left behind twice today,” Hunk grouses once he’s alone. “Leave me a third time, why don’t you. I feel the love.” He chews angrily while preparing for another bite. “What was that for, anyway? I just pointed out what I see.”

Why’s Lance so touchy when it comes to Pidge? She may (pretend to) have given up on her feelings for him, but it’s not like she’ll ever give up on their friendship. Besides, it’s not like he knows about how she feels. Oblivious when it matters, that guy. And yet he acts all broody as if he’s the one who got—

A sudden idea skews Hunk’s perspective and with it his spork of lasagna. The chunk falls with a small splat on the table. The metallic clatter of spork hitting food tray follows soon after.

The way Lance acts whenever Pidge is mentioned…

It’s as if he’s the one who got rejected.

“Hoooly crow,” Hunk mutters to himself, palms finding their way to his temples. “What?!”

He knows not when the change in his friend happened, only that it did. He also knows that it complicates everything. It adds unannounced contraflow lanes to a one-way expressway. It flips the script on itself after getting flipped once already. It turns a straight line into a triangle.

And this change…

“…is annoyingly

difficult

.”

____

Thanks for reading! Names of Lance’s non-canon exes credited to @artemisarya. You’ve been a huge help! ^u^

[alekakers]

The Story So Far (or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Existential Dread)

- 32-

When I was a kid I thought of thirty-two as this incredibly significant age. For whatever reason I viewed it as the epitome of reaching adulthood. Of course as a child I thought of everyone older than me as an adult. You know that weird skewed perspective thing, when you recall memories from childhood and even high school kids looked like grown ups. But in my head thirty-two was a mythical age that solidified your status as an adult. An age that once reached meant you were no longer a young man/woman, but a full fledged adult-y adult.

Now as I sit here looking back on thirty-two years of life I can say I had no idea how my perspective on age and life would change over the next couple decades. But in some strange way I wasn’t completely wrong either. I had wanted to do this kinda thing when I turned 30 but that was a chaotic time so I never got around to it. So now with two more years behind me, here is a reflection on a simple life and what I’ve learned from it. Let’s start at the beginning...

- Born On The Bayou -

I was born in the early afternoon in Nassau Bay, Texas. I grew up on the same 25 acre ranch my mom was raised on. 30 minutes outside of Houston, 20 minutes from the Gulf of Mexico, and 10 minutes from the Johnson NASA Space Center where my grandparents were instrumental in the Apollo and space shuttle programs. My grandfather was an Oklahoma farm boy that crossed the Mississippi in a covered wagon who ended up putting men on the moon. My grandmother came from New England and was breaking ground in the country’s fledgling space program when she fell in love with a cowboy rocket scientist and brought my mom into the world. Unfortunately they died when my mom was in college. I wish I could have met them.

My dad grew up in a sleepy suburb outside Portland, Oregon. His mother was an eccentric, loving, and strong-willed woman. It was her grandfather, Aleksander Justice, that I’m named after. A wolgadeutsche immigrant, he moved to America to start a new life for himself and his family. My grandmother was harshly old-fashioned to say the least, but she loved me and my sister with all her heart and was in our lives more than any other extended family member. Her passing a few years ago wrecked me more than I thought it would.

My father’s father was an orphan adopted and raised by his Uncle. As an angsty youth he enlisted in the navy to avoid jail time, served as a frogman in Vietnam, worked as a motorcycle cop for decades to support three kids, helped raise my cousin after my aunt got divorced, and was a volunteer firefighter and loving grandfather and great grandfather when he passed a couple years back. He was and will always be the prime example of the man I judge myself against. I miss him a lot.

- Beans and Cornbread -

My parents met in college and were soon after married and the proud parent’s of a baby boy. My dad was serving in the navy when both I and then my sister, Erin, were born. After his tour of duty my parents moved to the property in Texas that was left to my mom and my uncle. Despite being crazy young, dirt poor, and perhaps in retrospect being wildly unprepared to raise a family, my parents managed to keep us fed and clothed and sheltered. Most importantly they instilled in us the values and morals I still hold dear. Treat others with kindness. Be grateful for what you have. Work hard, try your best, and never give up no matter what life throws at you. In some ways I’m grateful for my modest upbringing and the appreciation it gave me for the little things in life.

Even though my friends lived in nice suburbs while I lived in a run down ranch house, even though they had nintendos and nerf guns while I had cheap plastic toys, even though we ate on a shoe string budget and couldn’t go on fancy vacations, even through the emotional trauma of it all, I still look back on my childhood fondly. I am eternally grateful for those years. Wandering around the pasture. Erin and I letting our imaginations run wild. Going to cub scouts every week. Making our own fun roaming around the church after hours while our mom was there to do whatever she was there to do. My parents scraping every penny to make holidays and birthdays special. I wouldn’t trade all the dinners of beans and cornbread for anything else. I’ll always be a humble country boy at heart.

- Misty Mountain Hop -

Three months after my 11th birthday we packed up the house, loaded the moving truck, and drove half way across the country to start a new life in Washington. My dad had been unemployed for a while and ended up finding a job with the boy scouts in Everett. It would give our family a modicum of economic security and put us closer to my dad’s family in Oregon. It was a jolting transition to say the least. Shortly after we moved puberty hit like a ton of bricks. My early childhood was firmly left in Texas and my teenage years made their angsty debut in Washington.

We moved into a quiet suburb 30 minutes north of Seattle and for the first time our family had a level of comfort we had never had. We could afford name brand cereal! But simultaneously my father’s anger issues were coming to a boiling point. Also my sister and I were diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. It was a very tumultuous time. My defense mechanism was to retreat, and I became terribly introverted and detached, retreating into music and video games. My sister went the opposite direction and became a loud, boisterous spit-fire, finding herself at home in the world of theater. I think we both already had the predilections for these respective personality traits, but the dissonance in the family only exaggerated them.

After a few years we moved into another house around the block. It was around this time that my father’s temper finally became too much and he started seeking help to work through some things. It took some time but I can’t stress enough how much of a different person he was after that. Night and day. I was in high school at this point and it was also around this time that I started to become disillusioned with the status quo of society. The modern school system seemed pointless, I started smoking weed, and music became the end all be all of my existence. It still is. Music is life! I dropped out of high school and decided to live the life I wanted to live.

Throughout my teenage years I played in different bands, experimented with all kinds of drugs, met and broke up with my first true love, entered the work force, and started the slow painful transition from adolescence to adulthood. It was a wild time! While part of me wishes I had stuck out high school, I have never regretted the choices I made. I saw that so much of the reality around me was a construct of our culture and I sought to push the boundaries of that reality. And I’m glad I did. I learned lessons the hard way, on my terms. I saw past so many lies and illusions and fallacies of how we’re expected to live our lives and perceive the world. I created my own world of truths and morals instead of blindly accepting the ones being pushed on me. It was an incredibly eye-opening and freeing time in my life and I credit those experiences for a lot of the wisdom and knowledge that I’ve absorbed.

*Disclaimer: I am grateful that I came out of that time in my life relatively unscathed. I know/knew many people that couldn’t claim themselves so lucky. It takes an incredibly strong will to toe the line and step back without going over the edge. Even though I wouldn’t change a moment of it, I wouldn’t recommend the life I led to anyone.

- Retreat and Rebirth -

After the last band I was in during those days broke up, our collective friend groups started to dissipate. As the realities of adult life started to pull from different directions most people rose to the occasion. I did not. Burnt out from the crazy ride and being overwhelmed by life I retreated to a world of isolation. A little solitude is healthy. I consider myself an outgoing introvert (A term a like a lot). But I took it too far. Unemployed for three years. Letting many friendships dwindle and slip away. Spending my days doing nothing but smoking weed and playing video games. It was unhealthy and I didn’t know how to change. Then the universe decided it was time. Just after my 22nd birthday I finally cut ties with a very close but deceptively toxic friend. After smoking half a pack a day since I was 16 I decided to quit. And I decided to take a break from smoking weed. Then to top it all off my childhood dog that I had had for 14 years died. To this day that remains the most transformational time in my life.

I spent that spring and summer reconnecting with myself and what was important in life. Taking care of my diabetes. Eating healthier. Gardening. I leaned into making mixtapes like never before. It is still my main hobby. Musica es vida! I had what I can only describe as a spiritual awaking. Come fall I was smoking weed again but with a renewed respect for the plant. I had a job doing something I had unexpectedly developed a passion for, cooking. And I found myself coming out of my social isolation. It was like I ended a three year hiatus from the world. I still think of my life in terms of before that time and after.

Then three years after I hit the reset button on life I was ready for another change. I was 25 and the inexorable march of time wasn’t stopping. So I finally moved out of my parent’s house. No shame! Science says that adolescence in modern humans lasts into our early twenties. And I was definitely still weening out of my teenage years at that age and was lucky to have such amazing supportive parents. It wasn’t until 24/25 that the existential dread of life started to set in and I thought, shit I gotta get outta here. December 2012, the apocalypse didn’t happen, and I moved in with my sister in downtown Seattle. She herself had spent the last few years overcoming her own traumas and wrestling with her own demons, and she helped me step even further outside my comfort zone into the greater world. I am so grateful for the two years we got to live together as fledgling adults.

- She Saved Me -

Just shy of a year living among the sights and sounds of the city, I found myself falling into a dangerous rut. I had been at the same job for three years. Commuting between the suburbs and downtown. Six years since my last relationship. Not much of a social life. And finding escape from the dull routine at the bottom of a bottle. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Get drunk and high and play video games or watch tv. Rinse, repeat. I suddenly found myself back where I was. And again I didn’t know how to break the cycle. Then I met the one person that would change my life in ways I never could have expected. The one person that would rock my world, wake me up to the true possibilities of existence, and become the one person that I could truly never live without.

One fall day I walk into work to see a new face. Olivia was her name. Damn she’s cute, I thought. And I quickly became enamored with her personality. But it would take 6 months of quietly pining for her before I had the courage to try my hand. Then on a fateful day in May we spent a whole day together. Then a whole week together. Then the summer that would change my life forever. We fell madly in love. I stopped drinking like a horse. My heart was opened to another for the first time in many many years. My mind was awakened by a mind I so closely related to. My body was refreshed by the passion I had been so long without. It was another rebirth of the soul, the kind that shook me to my very core. I had almost resigned myself to being alone forever, working a dead end job and drinking the nights away. Then she saved me. She remains my best friend, my rock, and my favorite person in the whole world.

- My Place -

Invigorated and encouraged, I found a new job. A slight step up in the culinary sense. Challenging yet rewarding. Olivia moved in with us. Then a few months later we got our own place in north Seattle. Shortly after we got a pupper. It was an incredible time. Feeling truly independent and self-supportive for the first time. Developing an amazing relationship with the person that I quickly realized I could spent the rest of my life with. This was the first time in my life I could attest to feeling the slightest bit like an adult. Of course I had realized long ago that you never really feel like an adult. You don’t just wake up one day like a switch was flipped and go, oh I’ve got it now. Life is a constant journey of growth and learning. We’re all just faking it till we make it.

But this was the first time in my life where I felt like, ah okay this is it, this is life, this is being an adult. Waking up every day, doing your best to navigate life, and constantly trying to figure out what it means to be you, what's important to you. Then life set up to deliver another wave of challenges to overcome. It was around this time that my family experienced a huge upheaval. We almost lost someone very close to us and it rattled me to my core. Then my boss was involved in a car accident and as his assistant I was suddenly interim kitchen manager. A couple months later the owner was impressed enough to make it official and I toke my first salaried job.

I relished the opportunity and strove to run that kitchen the absolute best I could. I went above and beyond. I poured everything I had into it. I learned so much about the restaurant game, management, cooking, and above all about myself. It was an intense period of personal growth. At the same I was coming into my own as a leader and a cook, I was also dealing with multiple family tragedies. And as much as I loved the work, the restaurant, and the owners, the stress of the job started taking its toll. Salary is a double edged sword in any industry, but especially in food service. If you know you know. I was doing my best to soldier on but I got to a point where enough was enough. I had come into some money and decided to take some time off. I left on good terms and will never forget the lessons I learned and the people I met.

- Intermission -

I had just turned 30. I had spent the last two years running myself ragged as the kitchen manager of a bustling Seattle restaurant. I put my blood, sweat and tears into that place. It was time for a break. I invested most of the money I inherited, and then set enough aside to to take some time to live life again. I rested. I remembered how to not be anxious every waking moment. Olivia and I went on a cross country road trip to see the national parks and visit my home town in Texas. I proposed. She said yes! It was so incredibly cathartic and needed. I am still grateful I had the opportunity to take the time I needed to reset.

Later that year it was time to go back to work. I ended up back at the little place in the burbs where I started my journey. I was happy to take the lessons I learned and come back as kitchen manager. It was just what I needed to ease back into the industry. The perfect place to put into practice my new found appreciation for work life balance. Meant to be a temporary step, as soon as I did all I was able to do to help them right the ship, it was time to move on. My father in law put me in touch with the chef he worked with and he brought me on board. It was a significant step up in the culinary scene, and I’ve been tapped to take over for the sous chef.

- And Now For Something Completely Different -

Now here I am. 32 years old. That mythical age I held in random esteem when I was a kid. Looking back on my life and thinking about what I’ve learned along the way. Even though I still struggle with my less savory qualities - I fear change and the unknown. I’m scared of success. I suffer from impostor syndrome and doubt my own strengths. I avoid confrontation. - I’m working on it. For the most part I love who I am. I’m proud of the person I’ve become. But it took a time. And work. I made peace with childhood traumas. I fought through pain, did some serious introspection and soul-searching, and came out the other side a better person for it. I looked inside myself to find the strength to overcome my demons. I think it’s inside all of us. Some people attribute it to a higher power. Some people find peace and comfort in the company of others. Whatever it takes, we’re all capable of making changes for the better.

If there is one thing life has taught me it’s that we are never done learning. We never stop growing. We never “figure it out”. We’re constantly being tested by the realities of life and doing our best to rise to the occasion. At 32 I may be an adult by most standards, but I’m still sorting out what that even means, what my purpose in life is, and waking up every day just trying to be the best me I can be. That’s life. And I’m grateful for the safety and security that gives me the luxury of musing on such ephemeral topics. I’m grateful for every day I wake up and get another whack at this crazy thing called living. I’m grateful I got to exist at all. I don’t spend much time these days waxing on the countless possibilities of the what’s and why’s of reality. At the end of day it’s a mute point. My consciousness still inhabits this physical body in this physical realm, and if I wanna keep seeing how far I can take it I have to play by its rules. Even if I occasionally see how far I can bend them. Whatever comes next, whatever is beyond the great void, my reality exists in the here and now. I’ve come to terms (for the most part;) with my mortality and the existential dread. It reminds me that its up to myself to find purpose in life. So I try to live in the present, to work on my shortcomings, make the best of every day, and treat others how I would want to be treated.

As I stare down the barrel of the “best years” of my life, I am hopeful and optimistic about the future. If not for the world at large (jury’s still out on that one) than at least for my ability to navigate it and make the best of it for myself and others. I'm engaged to my best friend, I'm in a kick ass band making music with some of my oldest friends, and I've got a job that I'm incredibly excited about. Lao Tzu said, “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future.” Wise words. But at the same time I think its important to remember where we came from and retain the lessons we’ve learned along the way. As well as looking to the future so that we may live with purpose. I think living is a delicate balance of keeping in mind all that was, all that is, and all that may be. And we’re all just doing our best to find the balance. Do whatever makes you happy as long as it doesn’t hurt others. Try to leave the world a better place for those that come after. Be nice and work hard. Love yourself so that you can love others. Namaste!

- Alek

TL;DR - I just turned 32. Life is crazy. Be nice and work hard. Love yourself and love others. Do your best. Namaste!

[fannishcodex]

Rambling about my VB fav the Monarch post-”the high cost of loathing”:

@detectiveashcroft

I’ve not really written this out before, but I have a lot of maybe self-indulgent thoughts headcanoning/brainstorming about the Monarch’s emotional and mental state, and how that can be repressed but still hold influence over his actions.

So, here goes some rambling thoughts along those lines:

I like thinking of Monarch in “the high cost of loathing” post-time skip still being subtly affected by what happened in the previous episode “arrears in science,” and he’s just not talking about it or directly facing it.

Sure, there’s practical value in what looks like keeping all the Blue Morpho stuff–the car, the computer–and giving it a Monarch makeover, reuse to save on costs. But it’s still part of what his dead dad’s left behind. It’s part of all that’s left of his dad, which are all really only material things.

As people have pointed out, it looks like he kept the comic his dad was in, and even has it displayed next to a picture of his old cocoon HQ. That feels like a subtle hint that he’s still affected, that he still has this emotional tie.

Sure, there’s the straight practicality of Monarch financially relying on his trust fund, there’s humor to poke at it, etc…but that trust fund was also part of what’s left of his dead parents. Like wasn’t only literal inheritance, it was also literally part of what he had left of his parents. He literally has only material things left of them. Not a ton of memories of them, since he lost them at a young age (not to mention the possibility of trauma at a young age suppressing memories, or even the possibility that there may be literal memory erasing going on).

Just…thinking that though it’s being directly viewed through purely practical lens by even the Monarch himself–shitI'mbroke–there can also be an underlying subconscious sting that makes it worse, because of what happened 2 months ago with his dad. Like dad’s gone–again–now one of the things he (and mom) left behind is gone too. (Could even be an unconscious sense of feeling guilty, thinking he had a hand in his dad being gone again, and using his dad to largely avoid Guild repercussions for his actions on the Blue Morpho–as if for that, now one of the things left of his dad, and what took the place of actual parenting due to the plane crash, has been withdrawn.)

TV Tropes has even described Monarch so far as getting a Karma Houdini in S7 for his actions in S6, and in some ways that feels like a valid call for the moment--but then I also think he did get some karmic payback for that with what ended up happening to his dad. (Even the worst form of karmic payback, even overkill karmic payback, in a way.) That, and there’s still plenty of series to go– there may still be more consequences to Monarch’s S6 actions. There ended up being consequences to his S3 actions in the form of Dr. Dugong’s brother Wide Whale. (And I also liked how that ended up wrapping up actually, the fantastical being used as a resolution to inspire more character development and interaction, and opening a potential new door to more story possibilities.)

I don’t think it’s explicitly explored enough at the moment, but I’ve always thought since season 6 that the material stuff his parents left behind, especially the Blue Morpho stuff, is actually a really big deal emotionally for the Monarch, and it’s still a complicated mess of emotions that gets buried a lot but still subconsciously affects things. All the Monarch has left of his parents are material things. I think he would have some sort of emotional attachment to those things, something he doesn’t directly deal with a lot. (I would like more explicit exploration, but I also enjoy feeling like I can see subtle/implicit exploration going on, and that there’s enough on-screen to inspire me to think this. And I feel like there is a steady unfurling discovery going along still, like things gradually moving from implicit/subtle exploration to something more explicitly demonstrated.)

I need to rewatch, but it seems like Monarch only went back to his childhood home when he had no other options, even though it seems like he had a claim to it the whole time. Wonder if he was maybe avoiding it before because he had anxiety about it after the crash, like it could’ve triggered memories that would sting now? A trust fund from his parents would probably not hold the same level of potential for emotional turmoil as their old house. The trust fund wasn’t a thing in his mind before his parents’ death; their family home is definitely a thing in his mind, there are actual memories attached to the family home. He can take the trust fund far more easily than going back to the old family home that likely feels like it will never be the same since two out of the three are dead (or so he thinks for most of his life).

###

It’s early series, so the series is finding its legs then, even more experimental– but the death of Monarch’s parents is brought up and he does seem affected by it, even with trust fund punchline. Or the Monarch is grabbing for the one silver lining he can take from his parents’ death, that they left something for him, and he holds onto that tightly–I can imagine that too.   (Also from just a writing perspective, I can imagine 2 equally interesting behind-the-scenes experiences–like either the creative team had some idea of the Blue Morpho backstory at that point, or they were able to use this early detail to help create that backstory later.) But other than that time, Monarch doesn’t seem to deal with it again, other than the trust fund mentions. But I can imagine the effect on him, and even imagine that other than some moments, Monarch actually tries not to think about his dead parents and the trauma surrounding that. I can imagine he tries to act pragmatic about that, he wants to move forward, it was a long time ago, he has different priorities today–Venture, Dr. Girlfriend, career, personal life, love, just doing his goddamn passion–and I can imagine he does that to also bury any emotional pain. It won’t hurt if he just doesn’t really acknowledge it.

And I can imagine those walls he threw up regarding the loss of his parents start to crack when he’s back in his childhood home, and he learns the Blue Morpho truth about his dad. I can think of how he kinda got more erratic in season 6 was partly over triggering feelings over his family trauma and him trying not to deal with it, but that ended up in emotional turmoil misdirecting into some new craziness.

###

Kinda headcanon Monarch’s image of being the villain, and him thinking of Dr. Mrs. The Monarch’s promotion within that villainous industry they belong to, and thinking of her as dedicated to villainy, just…partly unconsciously made him try to keep the Blue Morpho secret from her. It was one thing that 21 knew, but it might just be more shameful/humiliating if Dr. Mrs. The Monarch learned his dad was a crimefighter. And this would likely be a big misunderstanding and skewed perception in Monarch’s mind; this was something he could tell his wife without worrying about any rejection from her, but he thought he couldn’t because he did worry that she might give some form of rejection. This could be just one small unconscious part about why he kept this a secret, among bigger reasons, and bigger reasons he could consciously acknowledge. That other reasons for keeping the secret he could consciously accept came up, and everything spiraled out of control from there, and he got caught up in keeping the secret, and screwing up.

###

I wonder if Monarch snapping at Dean could have been some of his negative feelings over what happened with his dad spilling out and getting unconsciously misdirected into something else. I was about to say misdirected into something unrelated, but I was thinking that maybe Monarch had a flash of jealousy for Dean, and not for just being a “rich bitch”–with his dad likely fresh in mind after only 2 months, flash of jealousy over Dean getting to have his father? 

Maybe it was a degree of unconscious self-loathing. “Rich bitch” could apply to Monarch with his reliance on the trust fund left by his parents. He’s not willing to deal with that, but he can take it out on Dean who’s in a similar situation.

But–again, I need to rewatch and refresh my memory, but I thought the show ended up suggesting that Monarch didn’t immediately get access to his trust fund, and didn’t always rely heavily on it. Like I thought the S3 premiere flashback showed that Monarch did minion work for other villains until he could get complete access to trust fund, then he was doing villainy full-time.

And at the moment there’s still little detail about what happened to Monarch after his parents die. Foster care? I’m thinking foster care, he gives no indication of having any other surviving family, and I think he would if they existed. Monarch is one of many screwed up characters in the show, and I can imagine that’s not only because of the trauma with his parents dying in a violent crash and leaving him on his own with only butterflies to attach himself to, but also what came after, I can imagine he remained on his own afterward. He could’ve bounced from foster home to foster home. He could’ve had a largely poor experience as an orphan, in foster care. There was the trust fund to help him financially, but he could’ve never had emotional care again after his parents (before the likes of Dr. Girlfriend and 21). I can imagine that in contrast to others who have had trauma over more fantastical things, Monarch–other than the crash that led to his trauma in the first place and the attachment to butterflies he formed from it–has trauma over things that could be less fantastical. Super science may not be the source of all his trauma, but there could be trauma from being on your own after the violent loss of your parents, trauma from bouncing between foster homes, maybe dealing with abuse and neglect in the foster system. I can imagine that when faced with that, the world of villainy and super science and the weird and fantastical would seem like a better alternative to Malcolm. Seems like it would be better to be the Monarch than Malcolm.

I can imagine that contrast–some characters want to escape the world of super science for what seems like a better place in the normal world; Monarch may have left the normal world for the idea that the world of villainy and OSI and the Guild was the better alternative.

(And yet while wondering if Monarch is maybe a little less “rich bitch” than Dean, Monarch has not repeatedly died and been cloned like Dean. Think I’ve seen some theories say that Dean and Hank should be older, but all the dying and cloning has literally delayed their aging. Like originals die, and maybe long time gap before the first clones are ready, and that sets them back; but then Rusty can get a system going so that there are no more big time gaps between future clones.)

###

I keep thinking of this moment, when Dean asks if Monarch even knows why he does what he does anymore–and the audience can see Monarch’s darkening expression, but Dean can’t–and given what’s been going on in season 6 and 7 with Monarch, and even season 5 starting with that family photo at the Venture compound–given all that, I really do think there will be answers for why Monarch hates/wants to arch Rusty. And I feel like the answers could be a reveal for him too. There is a precedence for hidden memories, even a running theme, with Billy, Hank losing their memories. A point’s been made that Monarch had no memory of the family photo at the Venture compound. The dream vision he had of him and Rusty in S7 Ep.2 is implied to be something he can’t explain, and it could be related to the forgotten family photo, another memory Monarch’s mostly lost for now. The Monarch’s been a big part of the show; there's likely even more in store for him. And this keeps occurring to me, that if Monarch knew the whole story, he really does have a lot of reasons to hate Venture–or the Venture family–for what Jonas Venture Sr. did to his family. And sometimes I wonder if he does know on some level, if he did learn something of what Jonas did, but got memory wiped? If there’s some vague scenario that I can’t fully imagine yet, but a vague idea that he did know, and the memories may have been removed, but the emotions–the hate–lingered?

In any case, I like the thought of that evolution. I did like the thought of Monarch as this parody/deconstruction/analysis/reconstruction of the arch villain archetype, stripping that archetype to its bare bones, he just hates this guy so much, the reason won’t necessarily be disclosed. But I also like the idea of that evolving into this scenario where there is a reason, there is a backstory, and it’s more deeply tied to Dr. Venture than first perceived, it’s even more tied to the foundation of the show (and even its title). I like the idea that it will be like Billy’s robot hand, and that could have even be foreshadowing/build-up/precedence/preparation for later events; Billy’s robot hand evolves from really clever and analytical comedy to emotional backstory. 

###

Also:

Dr. Z: *critically evaluates Monarch’s Guild ranking*

Me: YOU FURTHER SCREWED WITH HIS DAD’S MIND AND TRIED TO USE HIM.

Seriously, does Monarch know about Dr.Z’s connection with his dad? Anyone tell him? The only one who knew that would mean anything to Monarch is his wife. I’m 50-50 on whether she told him during 2-month time skip. I can see her not telling him to spare him from any more pain over that knowledge, and also keep him from possibly taking even more ill-advised and impulsive actions; I can also see that as being appropriate given the secrets he tried to keep from her. I can see Monarch’s behavior being the answer to my question–and his behavior leads me to think he doesn’t know about Dr.Z’s involvement with his dad’s trauma.

I’ve been thinking that maybe Red Death’s figured out that–at the very least– the Monarch is very closely related to the original Blue Morpho, that it wasn’t coincidence he took on that particular identity. Red Death learned Monarch was Blue Morpho II in season 6, without realizing that the original Blue Morpho was Vendata until season 7. And now Red Death may believe Monarch is closely related to original Blue Morpho/Vendata. My main point is that maybe Red Death is the only one besides Dr. Mrs. The Monarch to know that all they talked about with regards to Vendata/Blue Morpho could be significant to Monarch. (And I wonder if Red Death knows even more about Vendata–maybe even original Blue Morpho, they may really be contemporaries–more than he lets on. Red Death is the only one to show the most respect for Vendata–a detail I love–and maybe that could indicate a closer connection. Maybe they kept working together after Movie Night Massacre. Maybe they worked together before that too. Maybe both happened.) Even bigger point: maybe Red Death could tell Monarch about Dr. Z’s involvement with his dad. Maybe Red Death could tell Monarch how his dad seemed to have an axe to grind with Jonas Venture Sr. Thinking of that, I think that would be another thing Dr. Mrs. the Monarch would keep a secret from Monarch–that Vendata/Blue Morpho may have had an axe to grind with Jonas Venture Sr.

Which characters for sure know what in canon so far? There’s a lot to keep track of.

On-screen Dr. Mrs. the Monarch and Red Death and Brock and Phantom Limb and co. know Blue Morpho = Vendata, Vendata had a hand in Movie Night Massacre and likely an axe to grind with Jonas Venture Sr.

On-screen Rusty and old Team Venture and co. know Blue Morpho = Venturion, but don’t know about his involvement with Movie Night Massacre.

On-screen the only ones who know Jonas Venture Sr. was blackmailing the original Blue Morpho into doing his dirty work and likely slept with his wife (and likely biologically fathered Monarch), are Jonas Venture Sr. and the original Blue Morpho. No one else is present for their internal conversation.

On-screen Monarch learns the robotic Blue Morpho is his dad, and that is about it. He is so freakin’ lost. If only he could’ve gone with Dr. Mrs. the Monarch to that diner group debriefing.

###

I enjoy that I really feel original Blue Morpho as Monarch’s dad no matter what happens. Jonas Venture Sr. may be Monarch’s biological father, but Monarch’s dad is the original Blue Morpho/Vendata/Venturion/Fitzcarraldo Sr. That’s a big distinction in my mind.

###

I can imagine that feeling screwed up over what happened to his dad contributes to Monarch feeling kinda a little more docile and generally low in “the high cost of loathing.” He definitely owes his wife–but I wonder if his screwed up feelings over his dad also added to Monarch trying to follow Guild rules better. He could unconsciously think going rogue cost him his dad.

And for a moment Monarch seems really ready to finally give up, and I wonder if this is partly due to subconscious feelings over what happened with his dad getting to him, and making him despair. Like I don’t recall Monarch getting to that level of wanting to give up after persistent failure, he does seem to usually press forward. Is it a case of Monarch finally feeling worn down by repeated failure, it’s the last straw when he finally ends up broke without his trust fund–or does the fact that 2 months ago he lost his dad again have anything to do with this moment of despair? Maybe both.

###

While it’s awesome to see Monarch in his classic costume again, I also really love Monarch-as-the-Blue-Morpho aesthetic, and want to see it again, and hope/think that will happen, but I do feel like the story has come up with another very good reason for why Monarch would stay away from that costume–at least for a while–besides the obvious: I just can see him unconsciously wanting to directly stay away from that costume after what happened to his dad 2 months ago. The last time he sees that costume, it’s his crushed robot father wearing it.

...I just somehow want both classic Monarch aesthetic and Blue Morpho!Monarch aesthetic, I love them both.

###

In any case, this is all good for one of my favorite aspects of fanfic, expanding on canon.

Man I just love the Monarch so much, he’s so interesting, and he inspires really interesting thought for me, I just find it fun to analyze him and brainstorm about him.

[mari-vargas]

Allergies can be weird. Allow me to preface this by saying I’ve never had an actual allergy test and am in fact the only one in my close family that’s never been tested for allergies. That being said my family has had copious experience with identifying allergies. Which is good because as it turns out I learned a couple months ago that if I were to be administered an allergy test the doctors would not be able to tell what I was or wasn’t allergic to due to a couple of skin issues I have.

I can say with absolute confidence that I am allergic to dust (to be more specific basically any particulate that is or could be in the air such as pollen, ash, dead skin, sand, clay, etc and even occasionally steam) and Red 40. The way I learned of both of these are quite the stories themselves, but they’ve each been backed up by multiple experiences. There is however one thing I say I’m allergic to but have only a single interaction with and therefore cannot confirm in the same manner as the first two. This is ginseng. Ginseng is often found in energy drinks and some teas among other things. The reason why I say I’m allergic to ginseng after one one experience is because I don’t ever want to experience anything like it again.

As I said, ginseng is in some energy drinks; in particular to this tale it is in Rock Star. (Alright brief tangent time just because it might be confusing if I don’t clarify this right now: I went to an Early College High School meaning whilst is high school I also took college classes through my program and my high school was on the local college campus) One day when I was in high school, Rock Star was doing some sort of advertising thing and giving out free Rock Stars in the cafeteria (the college cafeteria). Some of my friends got some of these. When they heard I’d never tried it before they were flabbergasted and one of the guys offered me the first sip of his so I could determine whether it was worth it to get a whole one of my own.

So I took a sip….and the next thing I personally can remember is waking up facing the underside of a table in the opposite corner of the cafeteria, with my friends crowding around worried, shouting nonsensically and asking if I’m okay. I literally have a black spot in my memory starting immediately mid-sip and fading back in somewhere completely different. From what my friends told me I can deduce that it was as if I’d had the most extreme sugar high and the harshest sugar crash. I’d apparently ran several laps around the cafeteria even up and down and around the stage and then suddenly startlingly stopped dead still before collapsing like a puppet with its strings cut. I had initially assumed it had been the sugar, although I was rather concerned by my lack of memory. In fact I would have continued to assume as much…if it weren’t for how the rest of the day had gone.

I wound up being nauseous the remainder of the day into the evening and threw up a handful of time in the early afternoon. Two of my female friends—one who was with me at the time of the incident and was a grade below me and the other who was in most of my classes and all the afternoon ones that day—watched over me for the rest of the day (the one not in my classes did not have another class until after the high school classes were done for the day so she stayed near the bathroom in case I ran in). I made them swear they wouldn’t tell the office I was throwing up because at that point I’d been sick so many times with various things (always “and a sinus infection”) that between the doctor telling me to stay home or me having to leave mid-day I hadn’t attended my US History class (with my favorite teacher) in a month maybe more. I refused to be sent home early (again!) for something non contagious that I had inadvertently done to myself. BUT if I started exhibiting anything more worrisome than the nausea and puking I told them to get help. I should perhaps explain my stance on those symptoms but that’s a story in and of itself. The short version is that for most of my life I honestly can’t remember ever not being some level of nauseous and due to a childhood in which there hardly was a day I didn’t throw up before we were meant to leave in the morning, my family developed a rule that I wouldn’t be held from school (or wherever else we were going) unless it happened twice. Usually it was just the once and I was completely fine for the rest of the day. Schools obviously don’t have that rule and you get sent home after just once. Even to this day I don’t know why I have had that problem, could be anxiety, overactive stomach enzyme, ate too much or too little, post nasal drip while I slept, dehydration….all valid reasons and all ones that I have perused to some extent of success but never seems to be the full picture. I don’t know but it’s how my life is so I know I have a skewed perspective.

But anyways ya the only thing in the Rock Star that was new was the ginseng and as such I have not dared go near it since because I don’t care enough to confirm. That being said for all I know it could be like when I thought I might be allergic to bees—that’s a heck of a story but again the short of it is actually that I seem to react far less to bee stings than even most people who are not allergic and the incident that made me think I was might’ve simple been my leg falling asleep and swelling from the position I was in.

I started this a couple days ago and got busy in the middle of typing it…for two days…so there’s probably going to be another story time I’ll be starting immediately after posting this one.

[yasuda-yoshiya]

EP2 reread notes, Part 1

It’s been a long time, but my Umineko reread has been slowly progressing! Here is a long-overdue update.

My readthrough of Episode 2 has actually been complete for months. This episode is both particularly important to me and covers a lot of particularly sensitive material, and as such I was hesitant to just post my rough notes in mostly unedited form as I did with the first episode; I really wanted to make sure I could properly express a lot of things about this episode in particular, and to that end I’ve been fleshing out my notes into a more substantial commentary this time.

As such, it seems appropriate to split this one into multiple posts. I’d like to hope I can get the others out fairly soon, now that a lot of the draft has been fleshed out! But for now, here’s the first part of this episode, focusing on Shannon’s half of the flashback arc.

Prologue

* The way George's narration in the intro is worded really does emphasise just how much he values his relationship with Shannon primarily as feeding into his own self-worth, making him feel like he can play the part of the "guy teasing the girl he likes" when that's always been something that he's only been able to look at enviously from the outside before. It practically comes across like he's using her to act out his own pre-existing personal script for his "dream romance" a lot of the time. It always bothers me that Ryukishi captures these disturbing nuances so well, but doesn't really seem interested in following through on critically exploring them with George the way he does with his other characters...

* Well, I suppose you could say that Yasu values George for basically the same reason, that he makes her feel like "someone who can know love" when she sees that as an unattainable dream for herself. It's sort of interesting to me in theory to think of the George/Shannon relationship through the (very cynical) lens that it basically amounts to two people both using the other as a piece to achieve happiness for themselves, but it's hard for me to really see that as an equal thing when the whole dynamic is so transparently skewed towards George happily getting to achieve his dreams and play out all his personal fantasies with no worries while Yasu is quietly making all kinds of agonising internal compromises with herself in the background.

* The metaphor that Shannon uses about the huge tank at the aquarium "being no different from an infinite sea to the fish swimming inside" always really gets to me. I think the whole concept of being able to define your own reality and the idea that "if I just believe I'm happy, then I am happy" is one that feels very personally familiar and important to me, so Yasu's particular idea of "magic" and the way Umineko is built around exploring that is a big part of what makes it resonate so much with me. I always have mixed feelings about what Shannon expresses here; I think there's a lot of genuine truth and power in the sentiment (a lot of the value of life really does come down to what you perceive it to be), but at the same time I sort of feel like if you've reached the point of consciously telling yourself "my world is complete to me as long as I don't know what I'm missing" as a coping strategy, then by necessity that means you've already kind of gone past the point of being able to wholeheartedly believe in that illusion. In a way, that's what Beatrice ultimately breaking Shannon down represents. But at the same time, I still sort of find myself wanting to say that consciously struggling to "build a self-contained world for yourself" in that way can still lead to a valid and genuine sense of fulfilment, even so - and in a broad sense I think being able to find peace and satisfaction in something that you know to be imperfect is a skill that everyone has to learn to an extent.

* This idea also pretty much sets the stage for one of the main themes of the episode as a whole. The fish tank metaphor represents Shannon's attitude to her relationship with George that amounts to "This love can obviously never really happen, but I can create an illusion of love that will be real to us", and trying to convince herself that that's fine; much of the conflict between Shannon, Kanon and Beatrice that follows in the rest of the episode is centred around Yasu fighting with herself over whether she really can feel content with that much or not. In contrast, George's immediate thought in response is basically "However big it might be, it still just looks like a tank to me", which...well, it's no surprise that Yasu is so afraid of what might happen if he finds out that his relationship with her isn't really his dream come true, but an attempt to create an indistinguishable illusion of that dream being possible. It's vital for him to remain ignorant of the fact that their "tank" isn't actually an infinite sea.

* God, George is awful. That's all I've got to say about the rest of this sequence. I'm tired of talking about George.

* The whole scene at the shrine is really powerfully written, and possibly the first part of the series where we really hear the unfiltered voice of "Yasu" speaking. The symbol of the shrine mirror as a metaphor for Shannon's unchanging fate and the obstacle to Beatrice's resurrection takes on all kinds of new dimensions given everything that mirrors mean to Yasu; the thing that Yasu needs to destroy in order to become "human" in her eyes is "her self", her own reflection in the mirror. The physical reality of her own body prevents her from being the person she wants to be - a sentiment that goes way back to Yasu's feeling as a child that the reality of her own pitiful face reflected in the mirror was a threat to her image of herself as the great witch Beatrice. The way Yasu translates these pre-established parts of her personal mythology into a new context to convey how she feels about her present situation always feels very authentic to me.

“Furniture”

* And now we flash back to the origins of Shannon's feelings for George. I do find it a little easier this time to understand why George noticing and unobtrusively helping to smooth things over for Shannon when she made mistakes was so touching to her; she's so used to being unnoticed and taken for granted as a servant that it would mean a lot when George showed consideration for her as a person. And I do appreciate that his "humble-bragging" moment afterwards is framed as totally transparent and that he's willing to laugh at himself when Jessica mocks him for it too; I can see why a little flaw like that could seem endearing and humanising to Shannon from her perspective at the time, in the sense that it makes him feel approachably human and not just "admirable".

* Well, like I think yumeta said on Goats, Shannon and George's dynamic actually seems okay when they're allowed to mutually acknowledge and laugh about each other's "childish points" together, but it's when George gets in the creepily patronising role of talking about "rules" and "orders" and gleefully enjoying one-sidedly making her uncomfortable that it gets really gross to me... Unfortunately, George is really specifically invested in feeling like he's "becoming an adult" and "overcoming his childish phase" through this relationship, so it feels like he ends up actively working to stay securely in control of their dynamic as much as he can to prove that he's "a real man" or whatever. Being honest about his immature aspects and letting Shannon poke at his "cute points" too much probably hits too close to his insecurities for him to be willing to keep it up for all that long - which is a shame because I think that's probably the kind of relationship Yasu feels most comfortable with, as you can see from BeaBato.

* The way the narrative transitions between these two scenes gives a lot of insight into how things like this must have influenced Yasu's current view of herself. The memory of Eva's whole "you're not worthy of George, know your place you servant" rant in the past becomes a reminder to Yasu in the present, something she uses to reinforce to herself that she was foolish to think she could be anything more than furniture; this scene really makes it easy to see how Yasu finding out the truth about her body would have just fed even deeper into reinforcing these kinds of messages about her "inferior, unworthy, subhuman" position that she'd already been receiving her whole life because of her social status. Those two parallel aspects of her seeing herself as "furniture" definitely feed into each other a lot, and the subsequent scene with Natsuhi abusing her just goes on to further hammer this home; the idea that Yasu is less than human is something that her environment has drilled into her for a very long time, even without taking into account the issue of her body.

* At the same time, though, I think it's important to note the implication that Yasu evidently refused to meekly accept Eva's words at the time and did keep pursuing her relationship with George regardless. It's clear that Yasu's lifelong mistreatment as a servant alone *wasn't* enough to totally crush Yasu's sense of self-worth; continuing to pursue a relationship with someone so "far above her station" shows that despite everything around her reinforcing her inferior position, Yasu was still able to believe strongly enough in her own right to happiness that she was able to actively reject that deeply ingrained impulse to resign herself to her current misery on the grounds that she should just be grateful for what she had. A big part of the tragedy here is that it feels like Yasu having her status as subhuman and unworthy of love physically "confirmed" to her when she solved the epitaph really pushed her straight back into those terrible thought patterns, just as she was starting to cast them off.

* But even after enduring all of that, Yasu still can't bring herself to totally give up and accept that she can do nothing but resign herself to a fate of being furniture - instead she ends up fighting with all she has to overcome that subhuman status in a different way, as portrayed through Shannon's use of "Beatrice's magic" here. Much as it might be easy at first glance to dismiss Yasu's concept of herself as furniture as passive and self-defeating, I think it's important to note that her narrative is specifically centred around her desperately fighting AGAINST that perception of herself and trying to overcome it in whatever way she can, even with everything around her constantly trying to push her back down into the resignation and stagnation that "Shannon" represents. I feel like it's really missing the point to frame Yasu's pessimism about herself as primarily a problem of her own innate personality, rather than a problem of her initially strong hopes for herself being slowly crushed and eroded as an inevitable consequence of her brutal circumstances and the awful environment she's had to adapt to.

* The particular way that Beatrice tempts Shannon into breaking the shrine mirror - in other words, into going through with testing the explosives - is very illuminating in terms of what pushed Yasu over the edge. If love is the all-important "single element" and the only thing that can make a person's life worthwhile, then continuing to live in her "body incapable of love" would be dooming Yasu to a hollow and meaningless life, as far as she's concerned. On the other hand, if Shannon continues to "deceive" George by hiding the truth about her body, using "magic" to make that illusion real, then she can live as if she was a real human for a time - but the further she goes with that, the further she goes past the point of no return and commits herself to having to create the catbox in the end to preserve that love, because it can't last indefinitely. But as Beatrice puts forth, isn't that still better than living a hollow life forever?

* And of course the wonderful Kanon-kun comes to the rescue, driving Beatrice off and telling her to stop trying to lead Shannon astray. But Beatrice isn't concerned, because she knows her words have left their mark - as evidenced by the butterfly marks on Shannon and Kanon's hands. Even the framing of the narrative itself is designed to reinforce that sense of inevitability; at this point we've already witnessed the scene where Shannon breaks the mirror, so we "know" - as Yasu "knows" - that Shannon isn't going to be able to resist in the long run. Yasu just isn't able to resign herself to being unhappy forever; she'll take her chance at happiness even knowing it's likely to lead to ruin.

* And honestly, even though Yasu frames that as Shannon giving into an evil temptation, is it really so evil to want some level of happiness? What Shannon wants is only what any "normal" person would automatically be entitled to. I think Yasu's "Beatrice" in this episode generally becomes a lot more sympathetic when you understand that her anger at Shannon basically comes down to her refusing to accept her assertion that her miserable situation is fine as it is, and that she doesn't need or deserve anything more - because, frankly, Shannon *is* wrong about that. That genuinely is a messed up attitude. But of course, the other side of that is that, in the course of arguing that Shannon isn't fine as she is, she's also putting forth that her current state is truly miserable and pathetic and unfixable without resorting to drastic measures - and there's obviously a ton of unealthy self-loathing in that too, in a different way.

Wonderful Utopia

* Aaand then we flash forward into the future to show that George and Shannon's relationship is going smoothly, and Jessica and Shannon are talking together happily about it. This is a little dark when you consider the implication in light of the preceding scene (because Shannon gave in and accepted Beatrice's "magic", everything is going fine).

* This is really yet another thing that shows a huge amount of courage from Yasu when you think about it; Yasu was totally aware that going on an overnight trip with George could easily lead to her body being exposed, but she still went along with it. She was willing to risk "breaking the magic", even though that should have been unthinkable if she totally believed Beatrice was right about her relationship with George. Like Ryukishi said in the Answer interview, it must have been a very complicated feeling for Yasu when she found out that George booked separate rooms for them after all; of course she'd be glad not to be exposed in the short term, but in a way, it might have been a relief for her to have been "forced" into confessing the truth and taking the reaction as it came, to have the choice taken away from her. This is pretty much the same mindset on which Yasu ends up building the whole mystery roulette - deep down, she wants someone to stop her and "make her confess", so she gives the survivors all kinds of openings to "expose her", but she still needs someone to corner her into revealing everything. The fear of the consequences makes it impossible for her to step up and do it of her own accord. Even so, taking that kind of gamble with George here at all must have taken a lot of bravery...

* In contrast with Beatrice's mockery and derision of Shannon in the previous scene, now that Shannon has "accepted her" Beatrice is very friendly to her. The whole arc here, with Beatrice acting at first like she's truly happy for Shannon and George and has their best interests at heart and Shannon coming to see her as a friend, but then eventually revealing her true nature as an evil sadistic witch who was deliberately tormenting Shannon by making her know a happiness that she couldn't ever really be allowed to have...it totally works as its own story on the surface level, so nothing seems "off" about it on first read, but it really does hurt so much when you understand that it's Yasu reflecting back on her decision to keep pursuing love despite knowing she's "furniture", and how she tried to pretend to herself that that was a pure and noble thing when it really ended up being just a cruel way to increase her pain and deceive both George and herself with the false promise of a relationship that could never be fulfilled.

* The way Beatrice is so persistent, even while still maintaining her friendly facade, in reminding Shannon not to "get too full of herself" and forget that her love is only possible because of Beatrice's magic - in other words, not to delude herself into thinking that George and Shannon's love might actually go deep enough to survive the revelation about her body - is extremely upsetting. I don't actually think she's wrong about this (that George is really in love with an "illusion" of Shannon rather than Yasu herself), though to me that's more a testament to George being a jerk than to Yasu being fundamentally unlovable - but I think the genuine truth in what she's saying makes it a lot harder for Yasu to shrug it off.

* This part makes it clear that Shannon's attitude has changed quite a bit since we saw her hopelessly lamenting earlier. She concedes to Beatrice that her relationship with George could only have started because of her magic - but she wants to believe that, now that their relationship has progressed this far, she doesn't need that magic any more. She wants to believe that their love has become strong enough that it can survive George finding out the truth. And that “should” be the case, right? If everything George says about the strength of their love is true, it should be able to overcome that kind of barrier easily. That's why Shannon was willing to take that risk of going on an overnight trip with George. Beatrice sort of indulgently agrees for now, but she also insists that Shannon keeps the brooch around just in case she does want to use it again; as much as Yasu would like to totally believe that George would accept her, she can't abandon the catbox as a fall-back option.

* It really hurts to read this because Yasu obviously really, really wanted to believe in what Shannon is saying - it's really easy, and heartbreaking, for me to imagine Yasu originally choosing to keep going with George knowing that she was only constructing an "illusion" and that the magic would have to end some day, but then as things went on, to start to let herself believe that, you know what, maybe love could conquer everything! Maybe there's hope for her to live as a human after all! But it also makes perfect sense to me that Shannon ultimately "loses" to Beatrice on this, because the reality of the signals George was giving her (laughing off and dismissing any tentative attempts Shannon made to bring up her issues or to question his perception of their relationship and the picture he was painting of their future) make it very, very hard to believe he would really react well to hearing the truth.

*Another aspect of this is that...well, from Yasu’s perspective, the longer she goes without revealing the truth to George, the more chance there is for George to become strongly  invested in her as a person and to develop the kinds of resilient feelings that could theoretically withstand the revelation about her body - but also, the more devastating the potential fallout becomes when George finds out about her “keeping this secret for so long” and “letting things proceed this far without telling him”. I’m hesitant to talk too firmly about this, but I think that kind of uncomfortable balancing act in terms of considering "when to tell your partner” is probably something a lot of people in similar situations to Yasu can relate to, and it’s remarkable to me that Ryukishi is able to capture the stress of that kind of situation so well.

* The way Shannon reflects on Beatrice's underlying loneliness and how she becomes a lot more approachable when you get to know her is really sweet and endearing! The way Yasu writes Beatrice's character here in her "friendship" with Shannon is very consistent with the image of Beatrice we get from Maria's (and even Natsuhi's) scenes with her later - of someone who seems like an intimidating, all-powerful witch on the surface, but actually has a lot of endearingly cute and childish traits once you get to know her, getting all excited over the sweets Shannon brings her from Okinawa. It really comes across here, just as it does with Maria, that she's really desperate for company and genuinely overjoyed to have someone to talk to since she's been trapped on the island for so long - she may be "all-powerful" in magical terms, but the loneliness of living in an environment where no one else can recognise or acknowledge that power, and the unexpected joy of having someone who can actually see it and be grateful for her use of it, is also evident.

* I really like how those things that Beatrice's character expresses about Yasu still translate so strongly when she's being written into a completely fictional, metaphorical scenario - the person who Beatrice is enjoying being able to help with her magic and receiving gratitude from here is...well, uh, herself, in pure physical terms, but the reaction that Beatrice would theoretically have to Shannon as a separate person in this fictional narrative also expresses important things about her character. Aah, I just really love the unique way Yasu is characterised through these constructs, it's so clever and multilayered and I could gush about it endlessly, ahaha.

* And once again, Kanon comes along to break up this chat and scold Shannon for listening to the witch. God, Kanon and Beatrice's mutual antagonism in this episode is really intense. I'll talk about it a lot more when we get to the more Kanon-centric parts of this episode, but they really do hate each other a lot, and the things that mutual hatred expresses about Yasu's self-loathing always hit me particularly hard.

* It's amazing how easy it is in hindsight to read this scene as Yasu wrestling with herself; it all flows very naturally once you understand what they're really talking about. Yasu really wants to believe she can overcome her being "furniture" by achieving love, but Kanon represents the part of her that remains cynical about that possibility; he believes that she's letting Beatrice delude her into mistaking the illusion of love she's created for something real. He's kind of right, too; though I absolutely don’t believe it’s impossible for a strong love to withstand something like Yasu’s secret in principle, Kanon is right that George and Shannon's relationship isn't really the perfect fairytale love that Shannon would like it to be, and Shannon really has put herself in a very dangerous and precarious position by letting her relationship with George proceed this far. At this point, though, Shannon seems stronger than Kanon; she's optimistic enough about George right now that she wants to believe she doesn't need Beatrice's magic any more.

* It's sort of important to note that Kanon and Beatrice are pretty much aligned on their view of Yasu's situation - yeah, it sucks and it's hopeless, she's totally furniture, George won't accept her at all - but their opinions on how Yasu should respond to that are very different. Again, though, that's probably best saved for when we get more into their interaction...

* Regardless, for now, while Shannon is in this positive frame of mind, she decides to give Kanon a chance at Beatrice's "magic" too, lending him the brooch. And note the implication here - if Yasu is really so happy and optimistic about Shannon's relationship with George, as this scene tries to push so hard, then why does Kanon still need to be given a chance? This sort of implies to me that Yasu's not as confident in George's acceptance as she might want to admit; it's kind of ugly to say that Yasu might have been partly thinking of Jessica as a "backup plan", as Confession puts it, but there is an element of that in here. But I'd also argue that Yasu wants Kanon to try to pursue love because the idea of gaining happiness as Kanon specifically is so important to her that she needs to check out that possibility too.

* Kanon grudgingly decides that "maybe he might learn something if he tries this magic" - in other words, despite his skepticism, maybe if Yasu did seriously try living as Kanon, it could make him happy in a way he didn't foresee. This gains even more weight in light of Confession - we know that hearing Jessica express interest in Kanon gave Yasu a totally unexpected rush of euphoria. This new gambit, to give Kanon a chance of "magic", is informed by that - Yasu has to try to pursue and explore that new sense of happiness she experienced back then, even with Shannon already being in such a committed relationship with George.

* In a way, it's sort of interesting that Yasu's decision to pursue love with Kanon comes at a point when Yasu is feeling more optimistic about herself - at the point where she's able to try to tell herself that "love can overcome being furniture", and where she's willing to take risks like the overnight trip with George on that basis, even though Kanon and Beato's words of warning obviously represent her lingering doubts about that. Kanon normally shows so much pessimism about himself that trying to achieve love himself would be unthinkable - if Yasu's unable to even fully believe in Shannon being able to achieve love, when Shannon is so intentionally designed to be lovable and to compromise Yasu's internal self to that end, then how could Kanon possibly have a chance? But when Shannon momentarily experiences hope through her own relationship and becomes more optimistic about herself for a while, that sort of serves as a stepping stone to letting herself believe that maybe Kanon’s chances might not be so remote either. I guess you could say that's something good that came out of the George/Shannon relationship, although when all was said and done Yasu probably regretted making things even more complicated for herself by opening up this avenue too...

* And that’s as good a stopping point as any. Next time, I get to talk more about Kanon-kun, which is always very exciting!

[caseymalone]

Top 10 Games 2017

Here are my top 10 games for 2017! Minor spoilers for a few of them, but nothing major. You’ve been warned!

10. Resident Evil 7: BioHazard

There have been 27 Resident Evil games, including remakes, remasters, 3DS releases but excluding pachinko machines and Tiger Electronics handhelds. Of those near thirty games, Resident Evil 7 brings the total I’ve enjoyed to… two. I guess this is my way of saying that between being a huge scaredy cat and irked by the stuffy, smothering control scheme of the originals, there’s no nostalgia weighing me down whenever Capcom reinvents Resident Evil, first with Resident Evil 4, now again with 7.

But where Resident Evil 4 took the fantasy of being a special agent in a world full of monsters further than ever before, Resident Evil 7 drops it completely. In it, I’m a wimp, a nerd with a camera at the whims of this family of maniacs, trapped on their grounds by a drive to find my wife, who is changing into… something. Capcom smothers me with a pervasive sense of helplessness playing RE7, forcing me into a desperate scramble to escape the unstoppable Daddy (side note: “The Unstoppable Daddy” was my nickname in college). Filling me with absolute dread when the disgusting creature Marguerite becomes clambers through holes and onto walls. And forcing me to freeze up and take a deep breath at the sinking realization that my next goal is all the way across the grounds.with god knows what between me and it. Even the change to a first-person view means your helpless doesn’t stop at your ability to fight - you don’t even know what’s around you. Resident Evil 7 left me terrified and anxious throughout, which is saying something since  played it on Easy.

9. Gorogoa

It’s now an annual event that, despite a perception that Adventure Games are dead, someone releases a labor of love whose beauty and finesse showcase the best the genre has to offer. Gorogoa asks you to interact in the simplest terms - zoom in and out, or drag and drop. What makes Gorogoa special is that when I do those things, it feels like I’ve changed fundamental ways that I think. My perspective on the world has shifted about ten degrees to the left and all the rules are new. That combined with hand-drawn visuals, stark sound design and desolate narrative made Gorogoa a brief yet crucial experience for anyone looking to see games as more than loot-box dispensers.

8. Star Wars: Force Arena

Oops, speaking of Loot Boxes. Well, card packs? Is there a difference? Where have we come down on this? The conversation around gaming in 2017 has been dominated by a debate about the ethics of selling random pulls at cards, skins, characters, horses, buggies, whatever, and I’m going to level with all of you - my perspective is skewed. I make mobile free-to-play games, which use this mechanic, and I’ve been playing collectible card games since the Revised core set for Magic: The Gathering came out in 1994. So one way to look at my opinion is that I don’t have a problem with this way of selling people games, and a much less charitable one is that I’m fully indoctrinated. Either way, being able to get emotionally side-step this entire debate has lent me the clarity of mind to tell you all that Star Wars: Force Arena is good as hell.

Force Arena is the real-time, head-to-head gameplay of Clash Royale, but with direct control of a Hero, MOBA-style, then Star Wars’ed all the way up. Every system is implemented in a smartly and cleanly, facilitating my ability to get into the game and getting out of my so I can let people know my Han Solo deck is not to be flexed with. The whole thing is catnip for Ol’ Maloney over here, and I am straight rolling.

7. Star Wars: Imperial Assault - Legends of the Alliance

Is spaghetti a sandwich? Is Chewbacca a dog? Is Matt Kessler a mongoose? Is Legends of the Alliance, an app for Star Wars: Imperial Assault, a video game with physical components or a board game with a digital accessory? The line between board games and video games is get blurrier, as outstanding digital components have begun to take the place of cumbersome bookkeeping, or allow designers to add elements that would be impossible to achieve otherwise. Or, in the case of Legends of the Alliance, replacing the Imperial Player entirely.

Traditionally played as a team of rebels against a monolithic Imperial player, Legends of the Alliance turns Imperial Assault into a fully cooperative experience, running the campaign as a virtual dungeon master, setting up your next level and directing Imperial enemies to attack your heroes. But more than simply emulating a now missing player, Legends of the Alliance takes this chance to add something to the experience.

Without the app you bounce from one XCOM-esque tactical mission to the next, but now… now you go on non-combat missions. You make friends in the world. You feel a real sense of betrayal when you learn not all the Rebels are working for the greater good, and you deal with the emotional aftermath with other characters when the Empire manages to grind you under their heel. These things weren’t in the box of plastic and cards I bought years back - they were exclusively part of Legends of the Alliance, and creating new memories and experience while justifying asking you to bring your laptop to your tabletop.

6. Horizon Zero Dawn

There’s a vital sincerity to Horizon Zero Dawn. After borrowing mechanics liberally from Far Cry/Assassin’s Creed, adding giant robot dinosaurs, and then putting the voice actress behind Borderlands 2’s (in my opinion, brutally irritating) Tiny Tina front and center, it would have been so easy for Guerrilla Games to smarmy one-liner their way through this post-post-apocalypse adventure. Instead they cast that all aside to carefully bring you into a world without even a hint of irony.

At the center of the game is Ashly Burch’s Aloy, full of wounded confidence and strength tinged with kindness, a performance so natural yet thoughtful that Aloy stands above any other character in games this year. That sincerity doesn’t make Horizon a serious or grim affair - there’s jokes, and boy howdy is there a lot of flirting - but it serves to draw the player into the world, rather than establish a safe ironic distance from which both the player and the game can remain “cool.” Every choice shows that Guerrilla Games truly wants me to care about Aloy and the world of Horizon. It turns out I do.

5. HQ

For me, 2017 was a year of shared gaming experiences. I’ll get to the other two big ones below, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t include this nightmare of a Black Mirror episode, this scheduled dose of Quiz Daddy Scott Rogowski, this twice daily car crash with a cash payout, HQ.

For months at 3 PM, I’d jump into Discord with my friends and join in the collective hypnosis of a new game of HQ. We were beyond captivated. We had a million questions - who is Scott? Why does he vamp with the intensity of someone hosting at gunpoint? Where is he broadcasting this from? And when he’s not there, where the hell is Scott? Who is this rando who claims to be ‘Scott’s Boy’? How does the player count keep growing, and how does this thing make money? It was a mystery wrapped in tech startup poppiness and a screaming man in a suit, and we wanted to know everything about it.

Like any mystery, as we’ve learned more about Scott and HQ, our interest has waned and my friends have fallen off the Trivia Train. But for months, once a day we’d simultaneously drop everything and delve into it. Something nothing else in games or television has gotten us to do for years. Also, uh...

…

I’m playing a game called HQ Trivia. You should play too. Use my code “caseymalone” to sign up.

4. Super Mario Odyssey

In late October 2017, was there anything I needed more than some unabashed joy? A full-on celebration of bright colors, silly characters and bizarre hats? Super Mario Odyssey would be an incredible game at any time in history, but the timing of its release felt like more than just a game; it felt like a balm. A warm weighted blanket sewn from my old t-shirts, taking nostalgia and making it into something new, something calling me to come back and crawl under it all day, every day. A game that rewarded me for just being in the world, asking me to challenge myself at your own pace, issuing pats on the head and individually wrapped chocolates as a reward for just wandering around and doing my thing. 2017 was a year where Nintendo was dedicated to challenging what people expect from them with their hardware, their mobile ports, and another of their major franchises. When it came to Mario, though, Nintendo clearly just wanted to make people happy. And I’m so, so grateful for that.

3. Destiny 2 & 2. PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds

Destiny and Battlegrounds seem like pretty starkly different experiences, but what I got out of them in 2017 was the same - time with some of my best friends. Friends who live in Los Angeles, New York, New Jersey, England, San Francisco; people I never get to see, people I don’t even get to talk to that often. But those friendships got actually stronger this year through these games.

That wouldn’t be possible if the underlying games weren’t outstanding - Destiny 2’s shooting feels incredible, and its endless list of chores made sure there was always a mission for me to suck friends into, or a goal for me to help them out with. There aren’t (currently) many Strikes for us to go on, but honestly that helped - when you know all the beats, a zen-like state takes over and you can enjoy the lock-on and kickback of hand cannons without worry. All the while catching up, making goofs, or ranting about the state of the world without the game getting in the way.

Destiny 2’s not perfect - a lot of the changes made from Destiny to Destiny 2 to make it smoother and more welcoming turned solo play into a dull shade of its predecessor. But as a part of a Strike Team, Destiny 2 hums with efficiency, getting out of my way and letting me and my friends have fun.

And it would be second to none this year if wasn’t for PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds.

Battlegrounds is insane, it’s a fun-time mess-around machine paired with an intensely hardcore military shooter, a game that’s thirty minutes of a goofy chatroom capped off with two minutes of a game-ending firefight. Except for when that fire-fight lasts for twenty minutes and it’s the most intense experience of my life. I’ve had as much fun losing PUBG as I’ve had winning (the few times I’ve managed to snag a chicken dinner), and I’ve had even more fun when I die and get to stay in voice-chat to cheer on the rest of my squad, spectating through to the end.

While I don’t get much out of watching strangers stream on Twitch, I’ve been lucky that enough of my friends stream this game, for a while on an almost daily basis, that I had just as much fun watching them as actually playing it. I laughed so hard when friends would get motorcycles trapped in a tree, cheered when they’d have from-behind victories, and feel heartbreak when the squad’s last hope would get shotgunned from behind after escaping tough spot after tough spot. Somehow all these feelings were just as strong as when I was behind the controls myself. There’s magic in this game, which boggles the mind, because with its bugs and frankly generic style, it could not possibly look less magical.

I cannot fucking believe I’m typing this but it turns out the real game of the year was the friends I made along the way.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Just kidding, game of the year is The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

I always have less to say when I get to the top item on my list because what could I possibly say about Breath of the Wild that hasn’t been covered already? Nintendo stripped so much out of the Zelda series that honestly when I started playing it, I felt uncomfortable and exposed - what do you mean my weapons break? Wait, I don’t have to buy bombs, I just HAVE them? When are the DUNGEONS going to show up, what are these shines? I don’t like this at all. But as I bristled against those, I was slowly filling with wonder. Every canyon I walked out of, every corner I turned, every hole I climbed out of revealed a field with towns and caverns, or small forests full of unknown treasures and monsters.

Lots of games do open worlds, but where Skyrim feels like I could get lost in it, the Hyrule of Breath of the Wild feels like I am conquering it. In Skyrim I feel like I’m exploring the map - in Breath of the Wild, I’m making it.

I remember so clearly, late at night, climbing to the top of a bridge that crosses Lake Hylia. I don’t know why I was there, or what I thought might be at the top of the tower, but Nintendo put it there, so maybe. Maybe there was something. I climbed to the top and there wasn’t anything for me to take, but as I looked over towards the horizon, Hyrule stretched on forever. I felt overwhelmed with the possibility of disappointment - that I would feel the need to climb it all, that there wouldn’t be a thing for me at the top of most of those towers, under those rocks. And as I thought about that the music changed. From the water of the lake emerged Farosh, the lightning dragon, soaring, completely oblivious to me. He was beautiful, powerful, made me forget about any of my goals or collectibles and forced me to take in his majesty. Forced me to realize there were no rupees or arrows up there because this moment was my reward. And that there would be moments like this all throughout Hyrule. I just needed to go looking for them.

Near Misses: Injustice 2, Everybody’s Golf, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe

[cherrystreet]

I wrote this directly after I left my first Harry Styles concert. My emotions were more elevated, and now that I’ve had some time to sit and reflect, I feel a little less raw. Keep that in mind.

I definitely got carried away, just needed to type it out, I guess. It seems a bit mad, and I’m slightly hesitant to post, but maybe someone else can resonate and understand.

Music does fucking weird things to you, man.

Warning: it’s pretty aggressive in terms of “I miss this fucking boyband so much, I cry about it,” but you all know.

It’s not just a boyband.

You get it.

I saw Harry Styles at the Chicago Theatre on September 26th.

Several people have asked me for an update.

First disclaimer: this is less of a concert play-by-play and more of a word vomit. About One Direction. About Harry. About the hiatus, the crazy shit it’s made me feel over the past two years, the future. All a bunch of nonsense - or maybe not - thoughts.

Honesty hour ensues.

Let me preface this by saying I’m grateful. So beyond grateful for all my experiences. I won’t take advantage of that. I never have. Never will.

One Direction holds an interesting pull over millions of people. Me included. I fell in love with them on a whim - it wasn’t intentional. I don’t understand it. I can’t make sense of it. I can’t explain to others why I’m so invested. But at this point, I don’t bother with an explanation. I love to love them.

“One Direction is broken up. You still listen to them?” The amount of times I’ve heard this. I’m homesick for people who don’t know I exist. Moderately crazy, but shows the extent of the soul this band put into their music and performances and relationships with each other. And us. I feel tied to it.

Is any other fandom like this? I don’t know. Nor will I ever know.

Anyone who knows me knows I’ve had a very difficult time with the whole “solo” endeavor. One Direction is the biggest and most important part of my early 20’s, and for it to stop so abruptly and without any closure has taken an embarrassing toll on me. My best friend and I have become sickeningly close during our travels - we’ve experienced seven shows together, one of which was out the country - and to me, One Direction concerts became a place to make some of our deepest memories that no one else can replicate, or understand. I met friends - my Rita - through this band. I met you guys. It’s been two years of wondering and waiting if and when they would make a return into our lives, and then. Instead. We got solo Harry. Full force.

I understand the point of the break. I get it. Overworked. Shit management. I’ve exhausted the topic in my own mind, and with others. Doesn’t mean I’m jumping for joy over it. I’m a 1d stan at heart; I support them as individuals, but when it comes down to it, my loyalties lie with the band.

I’ll be candid and real, which I’m often not on this blog. I initially jumped on the “1d went on hiatus because of Harry” bandwagon. My original logic: he said he was the one who initiated it. He was the one who had solid plans. Louis said he fought it. Niall said he wasn’t ready for it. And after closely paying attention to hundreds of interviews since 2015, Harry has clearly showed his gratitude toward the band - don’t get me wrong - but he’s the only one who hasn’t talked about a return date. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to give false hope. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know and doesn’t want anyone to read too much into his words. Maybe he’s moved on. Whatever the case, I shied away from his career at the beginning and couldn’t get excited like everyone else seemed to be. It hurt my heart to see him so happy and thriving away from the pieces that helped him with his start, his life. Honestly, I know I would have felt hesitant about whoever happened to go fully solo first (Zayn doesn’t count - that’s a very different situation). Sure, Niall and Louis had singles out last year, but it’s not the same as embracing a new album, a new identity. It just so happened to be Harry first.

Second disclaimer: I hate that the band isn’t together, but I could never hate any direct member for that. Ever. No one is specifically responsible. And I know that.

My vision is clouded. Selfishly, I didn’t want Harry (or any of them, really) to fall out of love with the past because I wasn’t ready to fall out of love with it. It’s brought me so much joy and love and laughter and experiences. It feels like I’m begging please don’t move on without me. I’ve found a major piece of myself because of this band, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I now feel a little lost. Being 25 is weird enough in itself, in terms of career and relationships and generally just being, and now take away the part that gave me stability and my independence, and I’m just. Wandering. Waiting for something to happen to make me feel as happy as One Direction did.

Reading that back sounds ridiculous. But I’m not the only one here.

I know what this looks like, what it sounds like. I know how skewed my perspective is. I’m doing my best to fix it.

I have Harry’s album memorized. I love a few songs, like a few, dislike a few. I guess that goes for every album. His style has changed from what we’re used to, as has some of his lyrics, but the quirkiness is still the same. The heart is still there. I knew it would be.

I was overwhelmed walking into the show. It’s been over two years since I’ve seen a member of 1d on stage in front of me. I had high expectations - expectations for his performance, expectations about how I wanted to feel once it was over. The venue was beautiful. It was the perfect place to listen to this album live for the first time. Echoey and full of charm and personality. Crystals. Velvet couches in the box seating area. Marbles floors and winding staircases. Pink hues across the stage. Simple, effective lighting. Harry. All Harry. No more crowds by the thousands, no more booming music, no more larger than life stage. Somehow, I felt more anxious.

He did not disappoint. But then again, I didn’t expect him to. For the past three years, he’s always done the best job at captivating my attention whilst performing. Nothing has changed in that sense.

It felt like the final nail in the coffin for 1d, kind of. My friend’s words. It’s too hard to imagine him doing this and then going back to a place where he doesn’t get to 100% put his whole self into what he’s doing, and has to share and compromise on ideas. I understand that. It would be counterproductive to work backwards. It wouldn’t be impossible, but it would definitely feel less organic.

Not just for Harry. For all of them.

Doesn’t mean I’ve lost faith, though.

“It’s been two years since we’ve last seen each other,” he said, “and in those two years, I missed you so much.”

I cried from the moment I sat down until I got back to my hotel room.

I like to be overwhelmed by music. But not like this.

I think part of it is because this was only the fourth night of his tour. It’s still brand new. I’m still not well acquainted with it. New territory, uncharted. I sound so ugly for being so conflicted about solo endeavors, especially when I know there were people who won’t get the chance to see him and I did. I’m grateful, I promise. I’m working meticulously to sort my brain from my heart.

I’m seeing Niall in a few weeks. God help me if I feel this royally fucked over from him, too.

Harry has not left behind his roots. That much was clear. I don’t think I was ever really worried about that part, because he’s pure and kind and appreciates everything in his life for what it is. He would never speak an ill word about 1d. Ever. I don’t think he has any ill words. I sobbed when he performed WMYB. I loathe that song. It felt like a small piece of home, anyway, him using their start as a part of his start. He looked gorgeous. He sounded like a dream. He doesn’t have as much room to prance, but he made do. No catwalk, no problem. I missed his voice. His speaking voice, preaching to the crowds about love and bravery. His terrible jokes. His gratitude. Christ, it felt so good to have him in front of me again.

Kiwi was exceptional. The crowd went off. SOTT was overbearing in a beautiful way. Hearing everyone scream “woman!” all at once was a Goddamn experience. The room was deafening for the entire show.

It wasn’t the same. I didn’t expect it to be, but I wanted it to be.

My friend kept saying, “One Direction is so dead and I couldn’t care less.” I care. I hate the division amongst the fans, amongst the media. “Pick a team.” I don’t want to. Right now, my friend loves Harry more than One Direction as a whole, so she doesn’t understand. I’m not going to try to make her. The crowd chanted “Harry” during the encore, and my heart hurt in the strangest way. I told Rita about it. “Ugh. Just Harry.” I knew she’d understand. She almost always does.

I love Harry Styles. With my entire heart. He was happy on that stage. Even while I stood in the back with my face in my hands, I could see that. I’m happy he’s happy. I love nothing more than a happy Harry. The world is a better place when he’s smiling.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel unsettled.

It’s out of my control. Accept the good that comes along with changes. Something I’m learning. Something I’m sure all five original members of One Direction are also learning.

I’m seeing him again on Saturday, in Boston. I’m hoping the initial shock will be mostly worn off and now that I know what solo 1d feels like, I’ll feel more ready for it. More ready for his sequined suit, his smile, his note changes, his band that isn’t the one we’re all used to, the harmonies that bleed together as if it was fate, the lack of three other boys who I miss terribly.

Maybe he misses them as much as I do.

I saw Harry Styles at the Chicago Theatre on September 26th. He was stunning. He moved me to tears. He ran with a rainbow flag, made us scream about pizza, looked beautiful in the neon pink lights. It wasn’t One Direction. It wasn’t better. It wasn’t worse. It was just different. And that’s what I’ll keep telling myself. Embrace being different. It’s what Harry does, after all.

I’m profound in the art of making five days worth of clothing fit into one carry on bag. I can memorize new albums in 48 hours if I have the right determination. I’m able to meticulously plan trips to new cities and venues like it’s nobody’s business. I’ve yet to master the ability, however, of separating love and music.

But I guess those are technically the same thing, anyway.

Thank you for a beautiful show, Styles. Thank you for allowing us into your life, for staying true. I’ve missed you, as a whole, as an individual. I’ll see you on Saturday.

Stay tuned for a second update this weekend. I’m sure it will be much different. I’ll be sure to post some photos, as there will “mainly be prancing.” And what a shame it would be to miss that.

xx Shelly

[benxsamuel]

Ian Mackaye on everything

Ian Mackaye’s interview with Huck Magazine is an endless source of practical, life-affirming wisdom. It would be a shame to condense it to a bite-sized quote so this is going to be one long post:    

On navigation versus survival:

I understand that people, melodramatically, may consider life something one has to survive. But you’re alive, that’s what life is, you are surviving. It plays into this idea that people’s lives are narratives – that it’s a film or book and you have to survive all this craziness. I think it’s a disservice, ultimately, because it makes others feel like their lives aren’t crazy enough. In my mind, life is not a war – although human beings create conditions that make it feel that way – and I think that navigation is a fairer term. I see life essentially as an empty field. The construct of that empty space has to do with society, but it also has to do with us. The only real question is how are we going to navigate that space, from beginning to end. If people thought of themselves as navigators, maybe they would have more purchase. Navigation is about having a say in the matter, whereas surviving is about dealing with things being thrown at you. With navigation you get to decide whether you want to be in that situation in the first place.

On success:

You could say society sees success as absolute – you’re either winning or you’re losing. Can success be interpreted as just keeping going? Success is a perpetual state of affairs. With my music for instance, I’m not goal-oriented. The decision to be in a band was huge for me. I came to a realisation that I could do this, because punk gave me the permission slip. I was able to play bass, which is crazy – here’s this animal beating on a wire, and a tune is coming out. That is success. Then I played with other people, and these animals organised those sounds in a way that was recognisable. That is success. We wrote our own songs. That is success. We played a show. That is success. Every day is a success – if you’re in the moment. 

On punk:

My definition of punk is the free space. It’s an area in which new ideas can be presented without having to go through the filtration or perversion of profiteering. So, if we’re not worried about selling things, then we can actually think. The problem with new ideas is that they don’t have audiences. And in terms of the marketplace, an audience equals clientele. If you have no audience, it’s not profitable. Punk was an area, for me at least, where it didn’t seem to matter. I didn’t know any punk rocker who thought, ‘I’m gonna make a living out of this.’ The ones that did quickly left. What I received from the counterculture was a gift; the permission to create freely. And my reaction was to take care of this gift and keep it alive because it continues to give. 

On straight edge:

The structure of society is an oppressive concept. I don’t see self-destruction as a valid form of rebellion. If anything it’s an assistance; you’re a thorn in their side, so help them by taking yourself out. Today, they’re imbibing technology, a new kind of drug, and losing themselves. I never got involved with drugs because I saw the fallout from the ’60s. As a Hendrix fan, I’d talk to people who’d seen him play and they couldn’t remember it because they were high. It doesn’t make sense to me that you wouldn’t want to remember your life. This concept of partying, it’s like you’re sweeping up after yourself constantly. You’re just sweeping away your memories. I like to be present, and keep it with me. Some people think of straight edge as a tee-totaling sobriety movement, but in my mind it was just about self definition. I found it unimpeachably positive. 

On finding your tribe:

But most people go through life as tourists. They’re checking out the sights and eventually they’ll go home. I’m always looking for the long-distance runners. The people who recognise that protest is a form of exercise and that life is there if you want it. You just have to be open, communicative and interested. That’s who I recognise as my tribe.

On anti-narratives:

The reason we like endings is that they’re manageable. Think about the effect of the electronic medium on the way we think. Radio, television, movies, computers. At some point things became serialised as stories. But when you live in a society where you’re constantly being shown stories, our brains become reformatted to create narratives in our own lives. It’s misleading because life does not have a narrative arc. The world does not have a narrative arc. Or if it does, it’s bigger than anything we could ever fucking write about. I remember being in bands where someone would say, ‘Well, that’s the biggest thing I’ll ever do.’ Who thinks like that?! I don’t think of life as phases. I think of life as life.

On getting older:

I don’t believe in youth culture. By embracing it you also embrace the expiration date. Not that I’m always young, fuck that! I’m alive! I’m living! When people say, ‘Urgh, I  feel so old,’ I’m like, ‘What the fuck man! You’re not old, you just are.’ If you’re cold you can put a coat on. If you’re wet you can dry off. But if you’re old you can’t do anything. Let me ask you: what role have you played in terms of becoming thirty-one?

Interviewer: Um? Zero active participation.

Exactly! All you did was wake up! That’s it. We wake up! There’s this notion in American culture that children are not real. It’s pointed out by the statement, ‘Well, at some point you’re gonna have to get real.’ But people are real from the moment they’re born. They’re real and they’re valid. When a fifteen-year-old kid has an idea, it’s not an unreal idea. But if you’re told over and over again that you have to ‘get real’, it creates this mentality that it doesn’t matter what they do. Because once they become real they will be absolved of everything, so they take no responsibility. This experiential thing? It’s a little touristic. Like, ‘I gotta taste it all!’ I know people who fucked one person I know people who fucked 100 people. Their experience may seem different, but outside pressures leave both people wondering if they made a mistake. I wish people wouldn’t spend their lives thinking about what they could’ve or should’ve done. I wish they would live their lives thinking about what they should be doing now.

On insecurities:

I tend to think of insecurities as reminders to go do something. As a teenager I was extremely self-conscious of my body. But at some point I realised there’s nothing constructive about agonising over it. So I filed that away, like, I can’t change this, so just do something – get to work. As a young child, I couldn’t grasp the idea of death. It was so unbearable for me, I freaked the fuck out. But then at some point I realised I would never get an answer from a single person on earth. So I figured – just live. I think the most constructive way to approach a lot of this stuff is to make peace with incomprehensibility. I accept the things that I cannot comprehend, that I will never comprehend, and I have peace with that. If I feel an insecurity, I practise more. I write a song. Just do something.

On perspective:

I have this concept about changing the source of light. The way things appear has a lot to do with where the light is. Sometimes things seem impenetrable, but maybe we just need to change the source of light. For instance, if you felt paralysed by your work – you’re miserable but you’re scared to leave your situation, because  you think you’d become irrelevant – then I would say: stand back. Change the source of light. Look at the situation and realise that, though it is important to you – and I will say this to myself  – though it is important to you, your work is ridiculous. And your fears are unfounded. You said, ‘People are inspired by you,’ but however one rates my ‘celebritydom’ or fame or whatever the fuck I have, it’s worth pointing out that 99.9 per cent of the population of the world never has, doesn’t and never will know of me. I don’t exist. There are entire giant cities in Indonesia where not a single person has ever heard of me. The music I make does not matter. And if it’s causing me duress, I should realise it’s ridiculous and that my fears are unfounded. Because what’s the worse thing that could happen. Like, what would be the worst thing that could happen to you?

Interviewer: That I miss my deadline. I have anxiety every week before we go to print – which is now. One voice in my head says, ‘You’re gonna miss it! You’re a failure!’ The other voice is like, ‘It’s a magazine, get a grip.’

Exactly, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Life is just a straight line. There are two definitive points, one at the beginning and one at the end. It could be argued that should you decide to procreate that may merit another point. Everything else is affection – accoutrements, add-ons, additives. The way we speak, the things we own, the way we identify ourselves, they’re all artifices on some level… While we’ve been talking maybe 100 people have been killed, maybe 1,000, who knows, and yet this development hasn’t affected our conversation whatsoever. If you put things in perspective one realises how it just doesn’t matter. So the value is up to us, and if we’re gonna assign the value, then why would we assign negative values?

Interviewer: I would say you’re in the minority – the enlightened minority – for being liberated by feeling like a speck of dust in the universe. And the rest of society is veering more towards this idea of, ‘I gotta make it!’ Why is the ratio skewed?

Well, I think that your definition of society is a little off base. People working in the fields of Vietnam, or whatever, I don’t think they’re thinking, ‘I gotta make it!’ I think they’re just doing their work. You’re in London. You work in a field that is obsessed with digital. I think probably the pure irrelevance of that medium, when you get down to it, is the reason people are so hellbent on wanting it to matter. It’s almost an inverse. It’s like they’re making cotton candy, yet they’re obsessed with nutrition. ‘It has to have nutrients in it!’ they say, because they know it’s cotton candy. I’m not being dismissive. People freak out when they’re thirty, they freak out when they’re forty, mostly I think people just like to freak out. I guess it’s convention. Convention gives people a sense of comprehension. And people are not at peace with incomprehension. I read an article about a space craft that was tasked with taking photos, I think Carl Sagan was involved. NASA said we’ll only operate this camera until we’re at the edge of the universe. After years and years, when it slipped past the edge of the universe and NASA said let’s cut it off, Sagan lobbied to take one more picture – and it was of the earth. Can you imagine what Earth looked like from outside the universe?

Interviewer: Like a star?

It’s not even a star. It was a tiny little dot. And Sagan pointed to this little dot in this vast sea of stars, more than you can imagine, or ever count, and he said, ‘Every idea that any human has ever thought, every fight, every war, everything that has ever occurred, happened there.’ How insignificant, that people would die over property when it doesn’t even rate as a speck in the universe? I appreciate that idea. Because insignificance is liberating. If you stop thinking this is my land, then you’re free. If it’s your land – my property, my concept, my scene, my society – you have to defend it. You’re hamstrung by it.

On life:

But at some point in my life I decided that the basis of all my reasoning is this: pain hurts. That’s true for you and it’s true for me; I don’t wanna hurt other people because I don’t wanna be hurt. Keep things simple and they suddenly seem doable. I read this book in my early twenties – by C.S. Lewis, I think. There was this image of life as a tree and each decision we made was a branch. And then every decision we made, once we were on that branch, were smaller branches and smaller branches until you got down to the twigs. The author explained that if you are on the wrong branch, if you made a bad decision, you have to go back to the trunk – because once you’re on that branch, every decision will be wrong. That was such a great thing for me. I was just navigating, I made a mistake, so I have to go back to the trunk. Because back at the trunk, life – simple life – is always right.

[scribbling-scribbles]

Main Story Outline

Black and White (working title)

Part I- Will joins the Black court (White Court)

Who's Red

meeting

remember? Backstory (kinda)

what is the white court? What do you do? 

This is abuse. I'm getting you out

I get you have a skewed perspective, but, really!

you don't need to be anyone's soldier

you sold your SOUL?!

Okay, how can we do this? It's time for research! 

Introduce Glass Mask sub-plot

A powerful artifact and semi-sentient, produced as the universe’s counter to magic.

Will is intrigued, but ultimately decides the mask would be too dangerous to use.

At some point, Will dips into more magical sources, either on purpose or by accident, and one of the Black Lady’s servants comes to confront him.

A method! Let us execute it!

The Board and the Rites

Preparing

Finding. The damn. Contracts.

Start the Rites

Crap!

Attack! (Battle of the Board)(that's as far as they get before they are caught. The Board has some very powerful magical significance, though, and is usually where part of the contract-making process occurs)

Will sells his soul, and regains some memories.

Part II- Will and Red re-align and plan (Black Court)

Introduction to the court

Infinite apartment building, from a modification on the standard infinite forest. As far as human members are concerned, exits only lead to the Board, the Market, and various points in the human world. These exits are arrayed around the building, almost seeming at random, but there is a pattern somewhere. There is a time dilation, but not a large or consistent one. Like +/- 1 day.

The Black Lady, her rules and ruling

The court and the developers

It appears I need a new name.

Who are you guys? What are we doing

Time passes

Will/Tim befriends the developers and other members of the court

Angst and sweetness with Joe/ Volto

Any’s mech, a subplot 

Movie night!

Damn, the Game’s sound kind of even more horrible than I thought.

The Basement, i.e. the torture chamber for Bad Courtiers (maybe run by Steve? Maybe Steve is constantly tortured? Steve is involved)

Tim does R&D

Let’s all go to the Market!

Continuation of the Glass Mask sub-plot

I have modified some cool magic based off of physics because gODDAMNIT, science works!

Tim is slightly obsessed with incorporating iron into anything possible. Iron salts are his new best friend. 

Tim and Red (Rose) meet (again)

So I was hoping you would still remember me? No? Well s hit.

Timur should have expected it sooner.

I’m not a Black mage. I just wanted us to be clear on that. I am a developer, there is a difference, I'm not on the board.

I didn't give my whole name. This should give me a bit more leeway in my obedience. I still can't outright harm, but neglect and sedition is much easier than it would have been.

We're friends. I mean, I forgot, now you've forgotten... It's complicated.

We had a plan. Not a good one, but it existed.

No, really, they're evil, I swear

Tim becomes a piece.

Fuck.

After first game

Will and Taylor team up

We are looking for leads a bit deeper in Faerieland and oH SHOOT WE'VE BEEN ATTACKED, but Tim saves the day.

Emma shows up

The hell are you doing here?!/ Nerd?! // What the hell, you remember me?/ What the hell, you're real?

New recruits came all the time 

Some more dialogue

"I sold it," Tim said

Some more dialogue

"What did you trade?"

Tim explains what he can/ is willing to.

Emma’s side of it

“I was pretty sure I remembered you, but there was no official documents proving you existed, so that messed me up for a while.”

“Then I decided ‘screw that’ and went to find you anyway.”

There was a sound like discordant wind chimes.

“What you thought I found you all by myself? Heck no, I got help.”

Team includes Stacy (phone friend), a couple other of

Emma’s friends, and Peter, Will’s friend who no longer remembers him.

No one has official connections to either Court except Emma.

(Huh) says Tim (A team sounds like a good idea. Maybe I should look into that)

“And they… believe you?” “Kinda? Some of them do at least. Peter thinks its a government cover up.”

"Well. Hmm. Can I bring my baby sister into this crazy plan?”

Debate

Some internal debate.

Some debate with Red.

Verdict: Hell No.

A nightmare

Part III- A better and more viable plan, i.e. let's do a revolution. (Gray Gang)

Guess who wants to get involved? That’s right, it’s Emma.

“No.” says Tim.

Spectrum

Who are they?

(Was Ash)- royal self-aligned (ineligible for throne) pansexual non binary (genderfluid) (Prince, but non binary, thanks.)

Oh, you didn’t know this is just about succession? Wait, you thought this was about Unseelie and Seelie? Dudes, no.

Someone contaminated me. See the wings? Blue, means I'm impure, unfit to rule. 

Also, I'm like, way younger.

What will they do for us?

Legitimate heir to the throne, could challenge their sisters and demand the freedom of all the Bonded.

“I mean, I don't really feel like doing anything, but if you've got something to offer…”

“What do you want?” “I'm loooonely, be my friend.” “Oh, sure.”

Also, say Spectrum, to themself, That is a very cute boy right there and I want to seduce him.

This will not work. At all.

The Gray gang 

Emma has weedled her way into this mission.

Does not bring her group, but is in contact with them.

They try to see if they can do anything more mundane for them.

What are you?

Support group for ex-courtiers.

Made of both Black and White.

The Ones That Got Out Too Late

Courtiers who were only able to escape after they had lost a significant portion of humanity. They cannot rejoin human society.

Headed (loosely) by two who joined back in the middle ages or earlier, one from each court, they got immortality, and have honestly lived long enough at this point and soaked up enough ambient magic that they are two thirds of the way to fae already. This would worry them, if they weren’t already beyond the point of caring about pretty much anything.

Umber

Black

Original deal was for immortality, but boy do they regret that now.

Lux

White

They are one of the very few Old Whites, since humans in the White Court tend to lose their humanity through weird, magical osmosis, and the iron in their own blood starts to poison them. The ones who survived made some kind of deal to counteract that.

The Ones That Got Out With Nothing

What it says on the tin

Identity erased, no family, no money, nothing.

Maybe a boon, but it’s a pretty useless one now.

The Ones That Got Out With Trauma

May or may not have returned to family.

But how do you explain that for a while you were a soldier in a war of immortal, amoral beings?

Maybe you killed for them, and if you did, what does that make you?

Maybe you made weapons, and does that make you as bad as a killer?

Who knows! These are not fun questions!

Magic addiction is totally a thing, and very hard to satisfy unless you were born naturally gifted.

Operate under the radar

Apparently, they've been around a while.

Boy, we could have used you in part one.

Yeah, well, we've been trying to keep a low profile. You are not at all low profile.

“Touché, but what is your plan?” “Help the people who actually get out.”

New idea: what if you teamed up with us and help stage a revolution?

Hell no.

We do have this semi-legitimate heir to the throne to utilize?

No, that's worse, we're not working for THEM anymore.

Well, you wouldn't be working for Spec either, they just make the thing binding.

(Also) says Tim to himself, (Glass Mask backup plan)

Fine, I guess.

Hey, Spec, guess what!

Oh sweet, says Spec, also, did some looking, turns out there is a not unsmall faction of fae who also do not like this system.

Hell yes

Turns out they have a similarish set up on my side.

It’s Maren and Mark.

Hell yes

Part IV- Now that we’ve decided to do this thing, let’s do some awesome prep work (my favorite part) and then FIGHT! (Red Army)

Strategy/ inspiring speech montage (best part),

Tim, Red, Emma, and some of her crew hang with the Gray Gang with more frequency.

Tim is a good big picture/big plan guy, but Red is where we really get strategy.

The breakdown goes like this: Tim: Here is a goal/ step that needs to be accomplished Spec: Here are some ways to do that and their cost/benefits. Red: Here is which one is most tactically sound, given out resources and position. GG/Em Folks: Here is what you need to do that, let's go!

Tim is able to recruit some folks from the Black Court, those who do not have very constricting contracts, or those that can leave, or those that find loopholes.

Somehow, the Ladies find out about the planned rebellion and the Gang base is attacked.

The base is attacked by fae soldiers and/or loyal bonded humans

Short scuffle where some folks including Tim fight as a diversion while others make an escape route and flee to an inbetween.

Tim gets stabbed.

Shoot! (Hey look, other allies, namely, Jo)

But hey, we have someone who can help!

Really? Say Red and Emma and Spec and any defectors and probably a bunch of GG folks as well.

Yeah, say a small group, now looking slightly sheepish, uh, their name is Jo.

JO!

Bit of their back story, probably starting with “Jo never realized the dangers of lending milk money to strange teenagers…”

Recoup

Hey, Spec, can we stage the final battle yet? We’re asking you ‘cause Tim’s unconscious. 

I mean, we wanted to wait until May (or November?) Day? Because of magical significance? That’s not too far off at this point.

Okay, so we need to hold out just a bit longer.

Tim wakes up and he is maaaaad…

He actually seems just a wee bit crazy right now

Like, instead of being ruthless but clean, now he’s plans almost seem, sloppy.

“Okay, so we do this and this...” “Tim, we can’t do both of those things at once for some reason you should really know and may have actually pointed out to us at some point.” “Ah, so we can’t, well-”

He is TERRIFIED and FURIOUS, and that is not the mood you want your teenager general to be in.

This whole time, there have been continuous small strikes at any GG/ defector/ fae ally groups that are out in the open.

Like, any time they need to get food, or when trying to communicate between mortal and fae side groups

One of these missions is headed by some of the fae side operatives, and results in the destruction of a few select contracts, including Red's.

This is not helping anyone, but it is especially not helping Tim.

He feels trapped, like everything is closing in on him.

Hey, Tim, you good?

The other folks are genuinely a bit worried about him now, because this does not seem like him at all

Oops, we lose Tim.

Tim is part of a group attacked by adversaries.

He was probably not supposed to be part of this group because he is recOVERING FROM A STAB WOUND and cannot fight or defend against any members of the Black Court.

Honestly, though, this almost feels like relief, ‘cause some of these folks are definitely Whites and this is SOMETHING as opposed to however long he’s been cooped up doing nothing but planning.

Tim is not typically a man of action, but anticipation gets to even him.

Either just Tim gets taken while providing cover for the rest (look, it’s easy to sacrifice theoretical soldiers, but it’s much harder to abandon the friends in front of you), or the whole group gets taken ‘cause Tim tried to abandon them, or just Tim gets taken for the same reason. (Option one sounds more like Tim, but options two/three fit better with the devolution arc.)

Crap.

Okay, so this is pretty bad; who knows what the Black Lady's doing to him?

We (the readers) do. She's torturing him for information about this upcoming attack and how he has been resisting her commands.

We gotta do something! 

It'd be too risky to spring him, says someone, we'd probably just get captured as well.

Hey, Spectrum, when were we planning on staging this whole thing again? In just a few days, Spec says, uncharacteristically grim, He'll have to hold out until then.

This visibly pains Spec, they really like Tim, possibly a crush.

PRE-BATTLE MONTAGE BABEEY!

A reiteration of the basic plan.

People are running around, suiting up however they suit up, saying their "I love you"s however they do.

Big speech, collaborative from Rose Red, Spectrum, Lux and Umber, Maren and Mark, and Emma.

What are we fighting for today?

What we have lost, what has been taken from us.

The many who have not escaped as we did.

A better society in the future. 

This is not a rescue mission. They are not going in to save Tim, there are going in to break the system. Saving Tim is just one of the good results of this. As such, this is not a rescue speech, this is a revolutionary's speech.

Battle! 

Includes the fantastic line of “talk s hit, get hit!” by someone attacking a chant based spellcaster.

Culmination of the “Any’s Mech” sub-plot (may be a two pilot mech with Em as the other pilot)

Also includes Albus' redemption, where he does something sacrificial to help/protect Rose Red and by extension The People's Court. (The Rainbow Court? What court is Spec?) Possibilities include Albus refusing to fight when played, kneeling in submission before his opponent. That's all I got right now.

So what does this involve, actually?

This is Spec making a formal claim to the throne and showing they have the manpower to back it up.

They have to fight their way there.

They escalate from “Right to be The Chosen Heir to the Monochrome Court” to “Make Me King Right Now I’ll Fight You”

So they set up a three-way board, each side playing for itself, but also trying to play the other two off each other.

The Black and White Ladies have pieces of various shapes and talents, but they all wear the color of their court. Spectrum's side lives up to their name, it is a riot of color from all of those who have pledged themselves to them.

This might be a no-mercy match, or at least the Ladies might try and play it that way, knowing that whoever wins this game gets all the contracts.

Resolution of the Glass Mask sub-plot

Tim escapes wherever he is because he never gave his whole true name.

Before this though, I want him to have a confrontation with the Black Lady.

"Magic likes a story right? So which one is this, huh? They say there are only seven basic plots, so which one is this?"

He says it's "Slaying the Monster"

Tim sees this as his only chance to fight on the side of what he sees as justice, since by submitting to the mask, he gives up any identity he has, including the identity he “gave” to the Black Lady.

True, he becomes a kind of raging monster, but hey, it means he isn’t fighting for the “wrong” side.

This Ends TERRIBLY.

He takes a deep breath before putting on the mask

Red, Spec, and Emma are understandably freaked the heck out, that’s their friend in that thing, and he doesn’t do this kind of thing! What is happening, and can our dude be saved? 

Maybe? Currently, we know of two options: option one, and the better backed option, we try to break the mask, which will collapse this current iteration. This will probably kill our dude. Option two, which is mostly just wishful thinking, is an act of true love, and they don’t really have much there either.

They end up having to go with option one, saving the Faerie dimension from certain doom.

“it’s over we won” *monster slowly staggers up in the background* *comrades point and try to speak* “No, it’s over. We won. We’re done now, everybody go home” *a meteorite drops from the sky, killing the monster* “Will…” “That was not me” “But Will-” “That was nOT ME”

Will may or may not have residual cosmic powers

Freedom for the bonded.

Probably collaborative shenanigans with Will’s maybe cosmic powers and Spec’s new legal ones.

Part V- So, how does one live after all this? (Epilogue)

Going home?

Welp, looks like my mom remembers me now. That’s nice I guess. She’s gonna kill me.

Welp, looks like my dad remembers me now. That sucks, I hate that guy.

I grew up in the nineteen thirties. Does my immortality still apply? If I leave the Faerie dimension do I die? I have no clue how life out there works anymore, and I have no living relatives I can contact for help.

I liked living here, do I have to leave?

Gray Gang to the rescue!

Umber and Lux are fae enough and served long enough to earn themselves actual small estates. They work with Mark and Maren and combine the property and modify it with Spec’s help so that people who need to can stay there.

Some of the people they had helped in the past actually grew up to be pretty successful, like doctor/ lawyer kind of successful. The Gray Gang gets into contact with them, and people who need it get human help (therapy, temporary living, working papers, etc.)

Effect on Faerie society

Specifically, what are our main characters doing?

Probably accomplished through a scene featuring some or all of them, talking about life.

Rose probably stays in Faerie as one of Spec’s most trusted knights, so she doesn’t have to worry about going back to her dad. She is of course welcome to stay with the Gerbers, but that could get dicey legally. She is still free to come and go from Faerie as she pleases, within reason.

A news report, or a scene from Rose’s dad’s perspective. She’s out getting groceries with Will and she sees him and just. Decks him. It’s great.

"Wiiiillllll," Rose whined, tugging on Will's sleeve like a needy two-year-old, "Willll, I neeeed iiiit."